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| june 2006 |
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| flowers | 12:37am wednesday, 28th june |
flowers grow in my mind, petals made of light, flickering
butterflies like breaths of impressionist paintings maneuver in
the world out there calls me, so far away is the place called here
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| Reality | 12:37am saturday, 24th june |
I hear the tapping of wood against a wall, and I am reminded of something. Then I realize just what I am reminded of is the thing itself, when all things were real without question, and which is still somewhat far off from here in my everyday life. True, when I am busy, I think little of the hollowness of things, caught up in the task at hand, but when I have time to reflect, I run my hand over solid things, and it is as if everything that exists is merely a façade over nothing, that it is merely some kind of dull magic that holds anything together and makes them work. I truly do not know what it is, exactly, that is missing from my whole picture of things. It is so fundamental a substance, the reality of reality: who can say what this is? But I miss it, even what I do not understand. Even what I do not really remember anymore.
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| Happens | 12:30am tuesday, 20th june |
’Twas bright and moonlit
In the corridors of my dreams,
As if all the world were expecting me,
Though for what, that was secret.
Imaginary crowds cheered me,
A thunderous silence,
Between the foretelling of a deed
And its beginning; I saw
Fifteen virgins yet to be sacrificed,
All wondering if I were the one.
I kept traveling — there was no end
In any sight I could understand,
Fire, air, earth and water
Swirling in a dirty, hot, muggy wind
Reminding me that from dust
I was made, and to dust, I shall return.
I shrugged toward the apocalypse,
For what else was there to see?
The end of the world,
If you are fortunate enough,
Is a spectator event like no other,
And only within the dark tornado end
Could fate smile down on me
That special someone; it would
Take judgment day itself,
I am thinking out loud to no one.
Yes, I am alone: bright and moonlit
I whistle into oblivion,
And consider that I desire
What never possibly could be,
Or happened long ago, never again.
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| Daunt | 4:38am thursday, 15th june |
I still get a kick out of telling my twisted little story. You know, the one about drugs and redemption. I recently had to move from the apartment I was staying at, and when I met the old roommate to settle accounts, I told him my history; it still amazes me that how I come off like nowadays. To any passerby, I am Mr. Straightlaced religious, normal guy, who doesn’t smoke and for all appearances, never even looked at a joint or anything. Wild. I was telling him about my past, and he was just like wow, you’ve been around the block and back, and all this time, me and my friends were like I hope we don’t offend him with the way we carry on in the place. Heh. Yeah, I smelled pot one of those evenings, and for the first time, I really felt like I was over my addiction. Didn’t really want to take a toke of it anymore.
New York is a trip. I look at some of these people on the subway, and some of them — they could exist nowhere else. There’s a certain offbeat style that is replicated nowhere else. Maybe Tokyo. Like they’re aliens who barely fit in to life here on earth. But anyway, trying to keep my head above water in all things, but my day job is really tiring me out. And along with that, that chick I wrote about before: that, I don’t think is going to work out, after all. She doesn’t speak any English, and the language barrier seems to be more daunting than I initially expected. So, oh well, back to the dating board and all that. What else? Life is really good — not that it is perfect, but that I am able more and more to withstand the imperfections. Maybe there’s something to that? Could be some meaning there, who knows?
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| Night Falls 8 | 5:04pm sunday, 11th june |
Night falls, and I wonder for a moment if another day will ever come, and why.
Night falls, but the fire burns on, smoldering below the darkness, below it all.
Night falls, and I find I am more awake than I ever thought could be possible.
Night falls, and I reach up to see where it might end, the starshine sky, if it does at all.
Night falls, the world it turns upon: I remember now that I am moving on it, too.
Night falls, the shelter of the darkness sometimes I do not want to let go, to keep it.
Night falls, and I find I am saved, but now am I responsible to shed light where I go.
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| Haha | 12:01am wednesday, 7th june |
That’s life, isn’t it? Been down so long it looks like up to me. You know what I mean. Lots of things have been happening, here in the big apple. One thing I must mention is that there is so much good food everywhere here, so I’ve taken to switching to diet coke (this is no small thing — I drink at least two of these a day). I’ve been going to Philadelphia about every other weekend, where my mom set me up with a chick who is kinda cool. Who knows? And work is very tiring, and I’ve had no energy when I’ve gone home to work on any of my own projects. But things are very very good right now. I have prayed a few times and sinned some, too, and realize that I am growing stronger as I continue this onward progression — headlong into a stiff wind, you could say. I wonder if there were any real horror in the world to happen… would I be better at dealing with it, or worse, having gone through imaginary apocalypses? I know not what tomorrow brings. Sometimes, that’s a good thing.
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