This skin is finally beginning to fit. Quite recently, I looked at my reflection on the window of the door of the subway and I thought — and this may not seem much to you — “That’s me.” What you need to know about this little realization is how many times in the past I have looked in the mirror, that same reflection, and thought, “Is that me?” or even, “That can’t be me.” There were all those times, when I was tripping on acid, watching the hallucinations stray across my face, looking myself in my eye, and thinking only of what I saw, guilty as charged. So it was with some surprise that this happened, so many years on, this me that I have — that I can accept who I am, here on this blue rock.
Of course, it will take some time more for it to fully sink in, I think, for I look in the reflection and still most of the time feel detachment from this, my self. But perhaps it is God, or some guardian part of me, patting me on the back for having fought and worked long and hard to become this me that I am now. This little realization was that saying, “I knew you could do it. I knew you had it in you.” It was my superego telling me that I was finally worthy to be me. For once I had so much promise that I flushed down the toilet. Only to wade through the sewage system to dig it back up. This skin is finally beginning to fit. I hadn’t realized that “me” was ever something that I needed to earn.
Reflection
10:57pm thursday, 25th january
You miss your old self, I can tell.
reflection
11:00pm thursday, 25th january
When you didn't have a deadline, and dragons were possible.
Reflection
reflection