A recurring theme in my remaining paranoia has been that it is all too late, that my fate was sealed years ago, irrevocable, and all that remains for me to come is the damnation — no matter what I do in any present before me. Back when I lost my mind, in that period approaching July of 1991, I was having some bizarre trips. And I can clearly recall that there were figures therein that could be construed as Satan, or some sort of satanic entity. So, how the paranoia goes is that all the guidance that has come from that time on, all the angelic host that I have been in contact with — that it has all been the Devil, all along, teaching me how to best become the Antichrist, the Beast. And that all is lost, that the world is that cruel, and that all hope, at least for me, has only been wishful illusion.
Then, slowly, I come around to the realization that that makes no sense. The voices in my head that were angels: they have never told me to be anything but good. Not that I’m saying that they have any reality outside my mind’s eye, but the angels have been like angels, not devils. They have only sought to bring me out of the depths of my own evil, not send me into the darkness at all. The Jesus Christ cartoon has always ever been an image of what the true Lord would be like — not how I expected, much of the time, but which made sense that it was how the Lord of all creation should be. In other words, they were the good guys, and they made me believe that I could be one of the good guys too. The paranoia turns out, then, that it is only punishment for my sins, and I am relieved.
This is still happening at times, and perhaps will continue as I continue to sin. It is a silly thing, if one examines it, to think in terms of the paranoia. But it does not seem so silly when I am there within it. One supposes that you have to be there to see what I mean. And perhaps that, we all understand.
reflection
7:30pm sunday, 11th march
Trust yourself.If you are good, then good exists.
reflection
7:35pm sunday, 11th march
To achieve a true holy level is like saying you are gonna.Its like walking a tight wire with one toe.Don't ever count out the thought that there are beings that have lived for billions of years that could care less about this neanderthal world.Thats what I'm looking into.
reflection
7:37pm sunday, 11th march
I had a lucid dream that I could control.In the past I could not control them.
reflection