the invisible world calls to me, but i am not them
and the fear of being swallowed i have fought long, hard against it
i know it to be true: it takes more than thought to cancel me
Reflection
2:55pm saturday, 25th april
Website I'm working on just for shits and giggles......Its about my music. I have been a musician for many years.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT
I Have been to heaven.
I have seen the devil twice.
I was even possessed by the devil for about 10 minutes. The devil said "Tickle, tickle, tickle, and scratched my spine." Trust me it fucking hurt...
I use the word devil, because it is unknown what the name of that evil is.....All the best religious texts go unread, because they are never written. People with real experiences are written off as nuts....
And trust me, you don't play music like I do without knowing something.wink, wink
Strawberry
3:31pm sunday, 26th april
I wonder about the ability to master thought. To control the emotions or experience that your mind is giving you.
I think that my Geodone is not working anymore. I have the choice to return to Seroquil, which I know works, but which is linked to weight gain and diabetes. My husband said I wasn't so physically active on Seroquil.
I am trying to master my thoughts. I try to stay on top of panic. Flow with it, even when I feel that my behavior is artificial. Social situations are becoming hard. Paranoia and fear of the people around me. I know that you see an invisible world, Stand your symptoms aren't the same as mine. I'll tell you what I'm really scared of. I can be strong, and stay on top of the craziness, but what if during five minutes of weakness I give in to a dark thought and swallow all my pills? All it takes is five minutes of weakening of vigilance.
Have you ever had thoughts of suicide? Do you believe in punishment in the afterworld for a suicide? I know you are Christian, but there are so many different kinds.
I just ordered a three month, $200 supply of Geodone! I want so much to live, I'm going to try prayer. It isn't the graceful prayer of someone who loves God, it is the feverish prayer of someone whose boat is sinking and clings and claws up onto the shoulders of a strong passenger who happens to how to swim. I have, in my life, so much to be thankful for. I know this. My husband, who is a happy man, loves his God and prays often prayers of thanks. I think I can manage both prayers of "help me" and prayers of thanks, but I lack some of the wonderful religious experiences that you have so recently described, and I don't yet think I can honestly say a prayer to God of "I love you". I'm not close to God. I've ignored him. I know that he patiently waits. It helps me to read the testimony of someone who has had religious experience, it gives me hope. Thank you for your writings. Oh, how I would trade away my craziness for a dream from God!
I envy you Stand. I want a little bit of what you have with God. The medical people I've met have never, ever, said anything about mastering thought with prayer. Clinically, it is all about mastering thought with drugs. Thus my dilemma, Geodone or Seroquil? I know, in my bones, my therapist is never going to say, "Why don't you go to a Church service?" Oh, maybe the closest someone my therapist has gotten to prayer is to say "I can teach you some meditation techniques that will enable you to separate your emotions from your intellect." Yeah, doesn't that sound dry and sterile. On the other hand, your religious experiences sounded rich. Exotic. Filling. Nurturing.
If my father (a scientist) read what you had written he would have labeled you as nuts. That's the background I come from. That is why I struggle so hard whether or not to pray and even attempt to have a relationship with God. I fear, should God influence me, that it would only be another form of madness. I think it was suggested, in my childhood, that the only clear, sane mental vision was something close to atheism.
Stand
7:13pm sunday, 26th april
I stopped thinking of suicide in the summer of 1994. I was exiled on the Christian farm where I found Jesus. I was thinking of various forms of doing myself in when I had a vision of Jesus showing me my own slit wrists and the feeling (if not the actual speech), "I gave you such a precious thing as life, and a whole world to live in, and this is what you do with it? This is how you return the gift?" And it was just such the sense of disappointment that I felt come from that, that I never thought of suicide ever again. It worked even better than fear: I once thought that I had died and was in Hell, and even though I was not even suffering at all, I realized I would have done anything to be given another chance at life. Which I did get. As for punishment, I no longer really believe in Hell; I am what is called an "Annihilationist", who believe that the second death, being thrown into the lake of fire, completely annihilates you. Death, as advertised. And as for if suicide will get you there, the rule of thumb for me is if the suicide is what you're known for after you died, then you probably are going to be annihilated. If there is something else that you are known for, then that probably outweighs that big sin.
Yeah, I know I've been extremely blessed in the visions I've had, even if they've been harrowing at times. The angels have kicked my ass up and down the street more than once. But it was all geared to make me a better person, so I can't fault them for it. And also, along with the angels I have a demon in the general vicinity as well. As real as the angels are, who is completely and viciously evil. Again, the way that it tests me also goes into making me stronger, even if it suxx0rs during the times of trial. Generally, it's getting better, but it took years of prayer and getting my ass kicked again and again and again to make me realize that I'm a complete idiot who can't do anything right, and therefore all I can do is trust in Jesus. Give my complete trust in God.
I really don't know if prayer will make your psychosis better, at least in the short term. It might make it even worse. But what you're telling me right now is that you've come to a no-win situation, and you reach out for some kind of salvation, whatever you want to call it. Jesus understands. It was explained to me like this: you grab Jesus' arm, and with the hand of that arm, he grabs your arm. He starts pulling you up. In a moment of weakness, you let go — but he doesn't. He's still holding on.
All that faith is is trust. I put my whole trust in Jesus. As far as I am able, I trust him with the whole of my life. That's all it really means to be a believer.
Anyway, the best I can do is this: I will pray for you. But if at any time you feel inclined, you can pray yourself. You could even pray, "If you're out there, let me know." And see if something doesn't happen.
Stand
7:19pm sunday, 26th april
Oh, and as for being a scientist. I count myself as one as well. And as for rational basis for belief, considering what I have personally experienced in my life, it would be irrational of me not to believe. I was a devout atheist until I got to about 21 years of age, when I thought I was God.
Reflection
Stand
Stand