I am not one who has ever traveled the straight course, always to the road. I am a wanderer. I am often carried by the wind to places I did not know were there. I think sometimes that I am very little responsible for much of my life's courses; it is like I am a crow feather blown by the breezes. I am thankful that I have come this far, blind as I am to where my foot will land the next step I take — I am fortune's meager pawn. And the sum of the good in myself, any of the good I have done, somehow I think it is an accident — that if I were to have tried to do the right thing, it would have turned afoul. Accidental virtue, I recognize, is perhaps very little credit to a soul.
Has control always been an illusion? I would like to believe that, I think, seeing as I seem to have so little command of my life. We take whatever situation presented us and make do — we wander astray unaware that the road we travel is not the one we believe we're on. We are each of us only human; we are small and the world is large; the universe is little changed if we exist or are not. I find I must put my trust in a higher voice — that I must acknowledge my smallness and my frailty. I cannot be left to myself anymore; I have faltered and fallen before, and I will always find some way to fail if I go it alone.
I remember, now, what it was to face the hugeness of a sky midnight blue, myriad stars scattered throughout the canopy of night — to face it alone. However great I thought I was, those salad days when I was yet strong and unbroken, it was much the lesser treasure than what I have become: to know I am small, but that my hand may leave the mark of a greater name.
Raymond
2:21am saturday, 15th december
To put your trust into a higher voice ;you must believe in a god.Do you think that God put you here without pupose?I can not believe that;He has saved me from myself more than once.As I set here in this house alone;I wonder if it will ever be a home again.Lonelyness eats at a person no matter who they are;it can make a strong person weak;a happy person sad.To be blown like a fallen leaf means not to care where you land.You must decide where you want to go;or let everyone else choose how you live.I will not let everyone else choose my life for me.It is my life and I am going to live it my way.Tommorrow is a new day;maybe something will happen that will make it special.Love works wonders.
Raymond