I have moments of weakness, mentally. There are times, here and there, where I feel like I am one toothpick away from a snap — to break like a Wint-O-Green Lifesaver, with the sharp electric spark if I do. I suggest to myself it is yet another sign of the normalcy I crave, that stray thought, like when I am driving and have a small impulse to careen the car into the opposing lane and crash it — for no reason. I think I remember these things of daydream, from back when I was as sane as I could conceivably be. These are thoughts of fantasy, I think they are — fleeting things. Wanting to break and break down. But like all the charms of madness, they are amplified in me; these feelings I feel them more than I once did, those days ago.
I grip the steering wheel a little harder. It's not so much that I let the feeling pass, anymore; I have to struggle somewhat so to ease my fear that I might succumb. I sense somewhere in me a strength that perhaps I had not, long ago, perhaps because I had no need of it. There was no reflex against imagined horror back then — I did not dwell upon the stray moments where I thought the wrong things. The feeling fades, is gone for now; the road has not changed, the car is still in its lane; I have kept the course and I am still in the here and now, aware of the moments around me. I dwell little in the ether in my head: at times I creep in just for a look, but I remember myself and the hundred miles I have already traveled.
Anna Cole
8:52am thursday, 27th december
I am so proud of all you have accomplished...just thought you might like to know that.
Raymond
11:06am friday, 28th december
Everyone has feelings of hopelessness at one time or anouther.They are normal;it is human nature to feeldown or up;sometimes you are just working to hard and all it takes is a break.Life is not easy;it can be down right cruel at times.God loves you and Jesus loves you.Remember that you are never alone even if you feel abandoned;those two people will never leave your side.You make walk away from them;but they are right there to pick you back up.Life is not easy that is why it is so interesting to live.The sun is going to shine tommorrow even if it rains;the sun will be right behind those rainclouds shining on.Shine on too.
Anna Cole
Raymond