In my madness, I have had to face things about myself that I think few people do. The dark things, the unspoken things, the secrets that perhaps you do not even let yourself in on — I have seen them, I have seen much. I have had my face rubbed in the dirt that had collected in my soul (and I use "dirt" to say it nicely); I have been a blot on the face of humanity; all the worst about me I have believed to be true, and that was all there was of me. I could not love myself. The thing about it was, I really needed to see it. I am a better person now, now that I have seen my worst. I can catch myself if I perceive what I do tends towards those regions — I have seen the evil I was capable of, and knowing those things to be evil, I have knowledge to strive away from the wrong.
The good came later. During my madness, I was only infrequently reminded of whatever good I had within me or I had done. Perhaps there had been little to speak of, after all. But here is wisdom gained: much of what I thought had been good deeds was merely patting myself on the back for something I did, ultimately, for selfish purposes. That, I think, is a symptom of man. We do the good when it is convenient for us to do it, and then we think much of ourselves when we accomplish it. These days, I don't count much on myself to do what is right. I have God, these days. If I do anything pure and true, it is God acting on my behalf. I have seen how I have failed and failed, for I am weak. And now that I do have Him in my life, I see where He succeeds where I could never have.
Raymond
2:04am thursday, 10th january
The last week has changed my life almost completely.I am not comfortable moving into this new direction;but I will pray that GOD will see me through it.you know what faith is;it is believing in something even though you have no prove that what you believe in is real.What I wanted in my life yesterday is changing even as I write this note.Seven to ten years is all that it will take to be over this ugly period that has come into my life.Tommorrow is a brand new day with brand new possiblities.Why give up hope;one minute could change my life for the better.You know when you are on the bottom;the only way to move is up.Even if the clouds block the sun;you know it is right behind the clouds waiting for the wind to blow the clouds away.The sun will shine again.
Rick
2:19am thursday, 10th january
Isaiah 45:7
I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace and create evil. I the LORD do all these things. So many times in my life I have found that my past solutions have become my present problems and my past mistakes my present hope. Is it God working through me in his strange way? What choices do I really make on my own? Where is he not? Does he not tempt me? Does he not lead me to error? Why? What is the bigger picture?
cheryl
2:45am thursday, 10th january
My mom had written to Mother Theresa during my first episode asking for help for her daughter Cheryl. In Mother Theresa's reply she responded with: Help your daughter Cheryl to understand that her pain whether physical or mental is a gift from God. Yes a gift and proof of his love for her. When I read that I was very angry. How could that be? some gift. I've never been able to fully understand why and why me? I work with people all day and they have no idea about me-my most deepest darkest secret the fact that I've been mad-alot worse off then they will ever be. I'm very glad to be back but I don't know what to do with the experience. I'm so glad your here.
Raymond
2:49am thursday, 10th january
Rick;GOD will not tempt you;he controls no man unless he is asked.GOD gave us all freewill to do as we please;he hoped that we would do things to please him since he created all of us.Yes I can do evil;but it will be my choise to do it;I also have the choise to do good.
This world seems to be bent on serving it's self not GOD.The bigger picture is what can you do to serve GOD and JESUS in this life.I am very proud of Stand's sucess with this website.It gives me a place to vent and maybe help someone.His issues make me think very hard sometimes;but he shows me that everything can be alright.
Rick
3:55am thursday, 10th january
Raymond:What in me decides that I might ask for his grace or that I might not? How can I make me, with only me to do the making, into the kind who would first believe then second ask God for his help? Why do some have wicked hearts? Why do they not ask to be changed? Perhaps if evil entered and attacked them they would see its ugliness and ask to be changed, perhaps only out of vanity. But they ask none the less. Am i not allowed to go to God as whatever wretch I presently am? Must I be honest and humble and Good?
Jacob
3:59am thursday, 10th january
I once fought with an stranger only to find he was God. I would not let him go until he blessed my. he did, with a name, a change of my character. He called me Israel. There are now those who call themselves Israel and are perhaps the chosen people. Why?
Rick
4:06am thursday, 10th january
Jacob, that is my point. Contact with God, for whatever reason can change your character. Who cares if the world is vain and selfish and generally bad and in vanity asks for change? I would pray niot to punish the world for its selfish aims and its refusal to serve God. I would pray rather that even the devil is saved. Even the serpent is lifted up.
Kcir
4:19am thursday, 10th january
I too have looked into the Abyss. It is I with all my rage and fury I saw. It was the monster I became from the fight I was fighting that I saw. I was like a man that came back from war only to find that i could fight but not love. Make my life easy so I can love those who have not had it so hard. Tender my heart with something real.End my madness with pills or potions or whatever the world might offer that I might advocate for the world in the final day and thereby show that freewill and choice was a good thing for man and all. That god was right and Good in giving use each other and the Devil too to tempt us. In the bigger picture was God right to test us? Test for what? Test test test. It's all test and no degree. What are we to be qualified for? What is to come? What does he say? The Bible? Is this the work of God or Men or both or what?
Stand
4:27am thursday, 10th january
Rick, Jacob, Kcir (and others): I would appreciate it if you just stayed Rick.
Bob2
4:31am thursday, 10th january
Great site. What is madness? Madness is a word that is telling. Having a root in mad, angry perhaps. Wrath, vengence, let go only after you are blessed and bless us all. Separation is pain. Separation is un at-one-ment. It is said that when the Bible was written it was a one long word. One name of God. Man separated it into chapter verse and words that man might understand. Here is where we find error. Let me explaim. The name Adam, spelled ADM in Hebrew can be separated into A-DM meaning First-A Blood-DM. Or even Ox blood or Breath/Spirit/Blood and all that Aleph, the A might mean and DM which means blood. Separation can seem to clear somethings up but pulling it together is a much harder task. perhaps words we can not understand come into play.
Rick
4:32am thursday, 10th january
OK Stand.
Rick
4:41am thursday, 10th january
Stand, are you writing a book? So many people have advised me to do so but I like your site better. How can I do it? How involved is it. P.S. I am writing that book but I think it would be interesting to have two or more schizophrenics to collaborate at least or co-write. We need to show commonality of experience and difference too. Interested?
Stand
5:21am thursday, 10th january
Rick: No, no book, just this site. How involved is a book or a site? Email me, and I'll discuss. No, not interested in co-authoring anything, thanks.
Kyle
1:53pm thursday, 10th january
I thought my life was over just yesterday. Stand, you helped me overcome the problems, when you helped me was that you or an act of God? I think it was you, you are a great person. Like you said we all have dark spaces on our souls. I don't know about the problems I am having as being gifts from god, how could this be a gift, making me hurt this way? Anyways I'm rambling.......see ya later
LG
9:37am friday, 11th january
Stand is a reminder that we're not alone. :o) (and so is God!)
fur
8:39pm saturday, 12th january
madness? no i dont think anyone is really crazy or mad as yoou put it. we're all who we are regardless of what people lable you
fur
8:40pm saturday, 12th january
wait read mine i read urs all the time
www.foo_fur.blogspot.com
Cuks
2:14am sunday, 13th january
As far as I can see, I find my thoughts going back and forth. I wake up in the middle of the night with joy and wake up with deep sorrow. Are dreams signs from God?
Raymond
Rick
Kcir
Stand