I listen for a whisper in the wind that tells me I am home. I don't think it matters, physically, where I am — just a place to tuck my shoes away, sit back and put my feet up is all I ask. I had none of that sense during my madness: wherever I would go, it didn't matter, I could never find that magic spot. I was never really in a place I could call home. I found solace in that regard only in sleep — that was the closest I got, the only familiar place. Everywhere else was strange, and I was a stranger walking through the shadows of a mysterious and foreign landscape.
Back in 1998, a year after my first breakthrough — after I'd been in San Francisco for a little while, after I'd had an apartment and could make my own way in the world for really the first time in my life — I caught that whisper, something which told me I was home. I learned to shake off that feeling that somehow I had been displaced from where I was supposed to be. I learned that home is a special little place in your heart you reserve for the familiar things in your life. Home is what I missed, all those years I was gone, missed without the ability to express just what it was I was lacking. Some things are like that, that you can't say what you're minus simply because you don't have it — the vocabulary is not there when the thing you're trying to describe is absent from your every sense.
I am in a new place now, after that short second episode from August to September of last year. I put my ear to the gentle wind again; I listen for that whisper which the wind it carries. Strange how I wait for home to come to me, just as I'm sure home waits for me to come back, too.
LG
10:07am sunday, 20th january
glad to hear this Stand.
I am currently under a minor spell right now and have been taking Zyprexa. when my better days are in sight, I can sense the calm uprising inside of me.
Although at times, things like suicide and self mutilation DOES cross my mind. Have you ever been close to death during one of your episodes??? and if so, what do you do (other than take your meds) to get through this????
Stand
10:27am sunday, 20th january
LG: sorry to hear. Yes, I tried killing myself a couple times during, but it was really stupid — I thought that it wasn't death but like passing into another plane of existence (the one in my head, not Heaven or anything like that). Tried with various overdoses of medication, but I lucked out and didn't die (I did get very nauseous at times, though).
Try this: get a Bible. Open it up to a random place and just start reading. Chances are, if you keep reading, you'll find something that will help you on your way. Weird how it works.
Raymond
2:24pm sunday, 20th january
Home a place for your clothes;furniture;aplace for friends to visit;a place for your heart.It is your place;it is where you can feel free to be you and not put on a show for the world.Your home does not judge you;all it ask for is a little upkeep.When you get through working and come home it is just like a old friend there to greet you.Home a place for you to grow;live and love.Ahome does not have to be a house;it is where you put your heart.
Kyle
2:51am monday, 21st january
I am wondering if the Zyprexa even works, I am only on 5mg 3 times daily but it doesn't work very well
Stand
4:19am monday, 21st january
Give it some time, Kyle. It kind of sneaks up on you. I remember I didn't think it did anything for me when I first started taking it, but when I stopped, I definitely noticed a change. Maybe in a couple months you'll feel like it's doing something.
LG
Raymond
Stand