I don't let anyone in. I mean, I don't think I ever have. I went from precocious child to insensitive teenager to too cool college student to schizophrenic to an upright survivor. Nowhere along the way have I let anyone in to the inmost me, though for some time, it would have been quite difficult indeed. Maybe I've reached the point though, that maybe I'm ready to open my soul to someone. I think I've done a little of that on this site, which you have read, something of what's going on inside which I share with (really) no one. This is faceless, however — I think I'm ready for a face, now: a face to nod and look concerned, a face that listens.
I'm not sure what I'm saying, come to think of it. Perhaps it's because, as I said, I've never let anyone in before. I don't know how it's done. But I can't live my life closed up anymore; I can't keep building the walls that that requires. It's exhausting to always be on the defense about what you are, and that would be because what you are you are all the time, after all, so that's walking tiptoe forever. I'll start here, so, to you out there. Kind of training for until I can find the face that I need. I don't think those faces come cheap; if you ever find one (or, lucky stiff, more than one), regard it that you are a soul blessed. I'll look, now, look for that face. I hope I recognize it when I see it.
Raymond
2:18am wednesday, 6th february
I know what you mean when you say that you have been a closed book for all of your life.I do not let people get to close to me either.You and I are tired of feeling lonely even in a room full of people.?We want a true friendship that will last through time.Something real;something that brings true enjoyment.?Afriend who we can do stuff with and they will always understand us.Understanding is what we want;what we crave ;what we feel we need.When all we really need is to understand ourself.Our friends have never judged us;we just think they did;it is the way we think.
LG
7:38am wednesday, 6th february
I can really relate to what you wrote.
Pierre Anoid
12:13am thursday, 7th february
Your talking about love buddy. I hope you ifnd that someone to open up too. I did she happens to have schizophrenia too. It was always what love meant for me to open up to a woman. You have to talk after sex right? You know what you are saying...You are talking about love.
Helen
6:01am thursday, 7th february
Have you seen "A Beautiful Mind"?
telly
6:38am thursday, 7th february
hiya again... me too, me too, me too!!! i find it soooo hard to "let people in" so to speak. But over the years... and lemme tellya... there have been alot of them! .. i have been working on this over the last few of those years. my close friends will tell you that, yes, I'm getting better at letting people in, even tho it probably would not look like that to a new friend. the way i started was to develop friends... just one at a time... sometimes one friend would know another friend, but not too well... and i would cultivate my friendship with each of them independant of each of them. So that as i got to know them, they also got to know me... just a little at a time... just a risk here and a risk there... and being my ever so cautious self, no "one" friend would know the whole of me (at least from my point of view). Then as the friendships grew, so did i. and as i grew, then i could share more and more of myself with each of them... some of them on very intimate levels in some ways and some in other ways... each risk i took came with a little reward of a deeper friendship and closer bond... and being the ever careful soul that i am, each risk was also assessed to see if it was "safe" to let down a few more walls. kinda like peeling that onion, but never ending... and as i got to know and build and nurish relationships, i also built and nurished myself. i don't think i am perfect... i don't think i have "all" the answers... i have just learned over the years that there are people that i can trust... and people i have a harder time with... so i guess i'm trying to say that you don't let people into your life all at once... its not like a party where you invite every one you know... its more like having someone over for tea... just one or two at a time... and only a bit deeper each time... kinda like gardening... nurture the friendships like you would a lovely plant... and ... well... i've probably rattled on more than i intended...
by the way... i love your site... thanks for the space
telly
Stand
8:03am thursday, 7th february
Helen, yes I have seen it. Quite good. My hallucinations were not as vivid, but I did relate to Mr. Nash in ways that... "normals", I guess... wouldn't.
TRACY
10:04pm sunday, 17th february
It is also my case.....I used to think i am crazy....a good friend of mine says i am different....
Raymond
Pierre Anoid
Stand