I want to be! I must shout it. I want to live! I was not always so, there have been times I have wanted out, I have wanted escape from this world. I have felt, back when, far too heavy for my feet to keep me up. I wanted to sink into the woodwork, that my body would lose its definition, that the sum of my mass turn goo and I become a gelatinous smear splotching up the sidewalk. That, and I wanted to fly. There was that dichotomy, if I remember — wanting to sink down and rise up at the same time. Thinking that I could do anything and accomplishing nothing. Not anymore. I want to be here, where I am, doing what I do.
The three laws of thermodynamics (and life, I am told) are, 1. You can't win, 2. You can't break even, and 3. You can't get out of the game. Whatever happens, entropy — chaos — will increase. But then, there is that miracle we call life, and similar things to that, and there is actually — at a local level — a decrease in entropy, an increase of order. Globally, yes, in the big picture, you can't even break even — chaos increases in the universe at large — but in pockets, like our human bodies, we do better than break even. We win, I think, just in being, just in sitting here, breathing. And maybe that is the bigger picture.
That's how I feel, right now. I win. I live. One day I will die, but I think not tonight. Tonight I live, and that is winning enough.
Raymond
3:10am sunday, 10th march
I understand;death feels like a way out.It is but you do not get anouther chance to find happiness either.My dad used to tell me ;you do not have any problems that are to big for you to handle unless something is holding you down and eating you alive.Now that is a problem.Money problems do not worry;money can not eat you.The bible says that you should not worry about what someone is doing to you;because the most they can do is kill you then they can do no more.You have never faced anything alone if you believe in god and his son;they are always with you.
Raymond