Yesterday I imagined I saw an unnamed darkness within me. I felt as if I could succumb to it, to give into it, and leave myself with only bitterness. I didn't, though — strangely enough, I was influenced enough by the darkness for it to seem that nothing was worth doing at all, not even embracing the black. I went to sleep early, instead — that after waking up at 6 pm. Yeah, I've been doing that recently, since I started my new job. I sleep all weekend, or at least all day Saturday. This weekend, both days I slept till 6 in the evening. But anyway, the darkness: perhaps what I imagined was just an illusion. Or perhaps it is the darkness that each of us possess within us, that we've fed through all the wrong we've done, and perhaps... perhaps it is not so dark, and not so deep as it would seem.
I have been weary of late — again, the new job. Waking up early and getting home twelve hours later. I feel like I've been fighting a long time, now, and this, too, contributes to the drain of my psyche. Fighting for sanity, and against the imaginary forces of evil in my head. Sanity is mine, usually, but sometimes the visions creep in. I white knuckle some small episodes wherein paranoia crystallizes some sort of delusion; I hold onto what I know is true. The little cartoons in my head — I must defeat the Hitler and the Satan cartoons, listen to the Saint Michael and Saint Joan of Arc cartoons if I can. And sometimes I must.
I am tired. All I hope, all I can hope, I think, is that I have done good enough — good enough for now. Let things lie a spell. Really, though, don't worry about me. Like all things that have ever been on earth, this shall pass. And perhaps I shall be the better for it.
b
12:13am friday, 26th april
Feeling;s that you've had I have too. How to let go is beyound me. You have a way with writing. sometimes that helps.
anunnaki
8:32am monday, 29th april
when you do not care about embracing the black even, that is a very hard time. Ya feel like throwing up.
b
anunnaki