I seem always just on the verge of epiphany. At the foothills of something big. I seem that I never get there, to the still point of inspiration, that it is a mirage that keeps its distance however far I walk toward it. And I don't know, either, what it is exactly that I am searching for — it's one of those things that I would know it when and if I have it, but not before. They say that anticipation is sometimes better than the thing itself, but this has been going on for a couple years now; let me be disappointed, then, and give me an anticlimax... something... whatever: I'm left hanging here. I seem only to be getting visions piecemeal, a bit at a time, and I cannot make out what the grand scheme of any of them are. I am a jumble of half solved equations trying to work themselves out.
I dream of it: that one day, I will be struck by it out of the blue. I feel like I have been dreaming of this for a long time, now. It might actually have roots before even my madness ever manifested — it runs deep. I think it goes with that in-my-guts feeling that I was meant for some special purpose, I don't know what.... Perhaps it is kindness. Perhaps I am not at the edge of a hill, but on top of one, and if destiny were to catch me and throw me down its face, I will rush down at speeds that make the world a blur. Let me be patient, be as a child who is faced with small, child-size problems, and be content. And let me not yearn for something that I as yet do not understand the scope, whose magnitude is beyond my imagination's conjectures. For now, let me content with merely the dream.
Lana
9:46am saturday, 24th august
You are definitely called for a huge purpose, God has got a plan for you bigger than you can imagine. Seek God, search the bible and you will find the plan for your life. You have an amazing testimony, and it's only by the grace of God that you are where you are. Lana.
Tatiana
8:25pm monday, 26th august
Then be as a child. Just like i am as a child. I like your pictures, and i like your words.
Lana