I thought I knew so much. I said with my lips, back in my teenage years, "The more I know, the more I know how little that is," and then I believed in my heart that I knew always what to do, whatever came — that I knew it all. When I was becoming mad, around here, it was that more and more I believed I had the whole world, the whole of creation, all figured out; though if I think back, I don't know why I believed that — my "knowledge" was more of a feeling that things were much simpler than they actually were. And with that, that I knew the mind of God meant that it was me who was God. It had no rational argument that led to that conclusion, it was rather an intuition that somehow I was better than anyone else, that I had perhaps an equal in Jesus Christ, and if the chips were down, I would have him beat, too. You could not convince me otherwise, no matter what argument you used, for after all, who were you compared to me?
Do you know what happened? It was that even my madness knew the folly of my thoughts: the cartoon of Jesus Christ, floating around in my head, he and I had a little competition: who was to be the messiah? Needless to say, even though it took years to convince me that my desire to be God was in vain, he won. Really, it was no contest, even with a figment of my imagination, just that it was formed as the Christ, my Lord. I would not listen to anything outside my little world, so God reached me within that world, beat me at my own game, on my own turf. Now, I don't believe that it was actually Jesus Christ who took time out of his schedule to visit me in person in my mind's eye, but through it all, there was a Hand that led me through, led me back to the world that I had strayed from, back when, when I was lost inside myself.
foot five
5:41am friday, 1st november
i think you are really talented and i admire your writing. i wish i could write and express myself as well.
foot five