Underachiever. That was what I was all through growing up, I think. I was gifted with a mind, but I used it not; those who knew of me in high school even spread that around about me — smart, but doesn't do anything with it. The madness (at least in some sense) was a blessing on that regard. No, I would rather not have experienced it, that I had found my way in some other wise, but really: the madness was God's way of telling me, this is what you can do with a mind such as yours, Stand. Concepts abstracted beyond words, battles between ultimate good and pure evil, planes of existence only hinted at in the mystical works of the ages, adventures with angels and gods and demons — since I did not seize the day, the day seized me. My life began in the madness.
Did I even have dreams back then, before my mind went splat? I recall wanting to "save the world" in some vague way, and I think it went no farther than that: I dreamed of being some messianic power, something that the drugs I was doing had some part in conceiving. What incredible arrogance I had. The madness kicked that "dream" right out of me. All I wanted, after the years within the chaos of a mind psychotic, was that all of it to go away, that I be sane and calm and quiet. I learned of wanting simple things, of desiring a simple life. It is perhaps the saddest thing about me that such extreme measures had to be taken by my Creator for me to learn some very basic lessons of life. To dream real dreams, and not some grand whim to be a savior to the world.
I am driven by my dreams, these days. I feel I have wasted much time: that my madness has taken many hours in which I should have been in the act of achieving. But perhaps they were not wasted, those years; perhaps it was a journey I had to make, that in those fires my dreams were forged, and in those trials a will to achieve them was earned.
Amanda
6:26pm monday, 16th december
Hi, I just wanted to say it's a great thing you're doing here with the website. I really like it. I wish you the best in everything you do. Thank you for putting up this great site for me to read.
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8:27pm monday, 16th december
No, they weren't wasted years and it's never too late to follow your dreams.
Amanda
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