When I was a failure, back when, perhaps one could say of me that at least I was at least a spectacular failure. I mean, I was one of those golden child types growing up: high IQ, computer prodigy, potential unlimited; it took real effort to verily screw up my life. When I got to college, I really worked at pissing everything away with all the drugs I did, with the grand finale of becoming utterly psychotic from all of it. It took a few years to flush it all down the toilet, but I managed to do it; I flamed out fantastically. I dunno: I guess that's something to be said about me, though it's definitely not a virtue. For being such a bright guy, I have done a lot (and I mean a lot) of stupid things. I look back and can only shake my head, and I can only say to myself, "What was I thinking?"
And now, I got something not everyone gets, I think — a second chance. Yes, it feels like I'm about ten years behind where I should be in maturity and accomplishments, but I feel like I'm doing something with my life these days. I still sometimes think in terms of failure — as that was with me for a good few years — but those thoughts serve these days as a sort of cautionary tale, something to learn from. Hm. It's as if I tried my best to f*ck things up, but that I am to succeed in spite of myself. Like my life was a puzzle where I kept fumbling with the pieces, and one day the fumbling quite unexpectedly solved it. I have to wonder if the puzzle maker knew this beforehand, it built as it was just for me: that I find an answer when I knew not even what question I was asking.
x
8:44am friday, 17th january
Why do you think you needed to take the drugs? I only ask because I wonder the same thing about myself.
Stand
9:38am friday, 17th january
To deaden the pain(s) of life. To be chemically happy.
x
4:56pm friday, 17th january
Yeah,that's the glib answer but it was a stupid thing for us to do and neither of us are stupid. Where were the pains of life coming from? From outside? From inside? I still haven't quite got to grips with my reasons.
Stand
5:45pm friday, 17th january
Maybe, in the final analysis, it was just immaturity. The pains weren't that great, but I didn't want to feel anything bad at all. Couldn't stand an ounce of suffering — those little sufferings that probably build character. I didn't want any of it.
The Vampire Lestat
12:40am saturday, 18th january
failure is how you look at it. you don't fail unless you decide to. remember, no matter how much the darkness and depression tempt you, know that all it can offer is lies and more pain, in the end depression is just depression
Kimberley
2:35pm thursday, 30th january
Pain and pleasure go hand in hand. Drugs numb the pain...but it also numbs the pleasure.With out one you can scarcely have the other. The drugs provide a cushion for your emotional state (anger, fear, sorrow, guilt). Not only does it weaken your unhappy emotions, in the end you need them to experience the happy emotions as well.
ranDomlurker
12:56am tuesday, 20th april
hmm.. reading your drug stories touch me ... i am so used to and sick of hearing people claim that the reason why we do drugs is because we have pain... the sad truth is that it is the fact of the matter... and i hate to admit it .. it is nice to find someone else own up and take that responsiblity and write about it ..
x
Stand
x
Stand