I still feel it: I am a divided man. The term "schizophrenia" is apt for the condition with which I was diagnosed, those years ago; it is from the Greek skhizein "split" + phren "mind". Usually my condition is in a quiescent state, when I am working or among people in general I am basically a normal person. But when I am alone... the little cartoons sometimes still float around in my mind's eye: Rosanna Arquette, the Archangel Michael, Jesus Christ, even the part of me that is "split" from my "main consciousness". I talk to them like they existed, though it is much better than it was, back when — I know on some level they are merely imagination, while in my truly mad times, they had taken over. That is the state of my mind: split into the part that is me and the part that has broken off, displaying spirits to me in quiet minutes alone.
There is nothing to be done about this, I think. It stays hidden from view, as it only comes when no one else is around. It is not distressing, really — the phenomenon has been with me so long I have put it down as old hat, par for the course. Looking at me, you would never know that I routinely talk to angels in my spare time. But no, the other world has no permanent place for me anymore — I am here, now, just as I am, for I am as whole as I need to be, even if for some fleet moments I visit the dreams of my past.
dan
3:42pm friday, 21st february
i am not sure what to say really...but this entry really helps me to see some of what my brother is going through. in some ways it is scary, and some ways not. but hearing about someone else's life, some one with the diasease helps to know that there is hope and that life does continue, maybe in a different way, but it does go on!
me?!
2:28pm sunday, 23rd february
The best of wishes i send to you, hoping it will find you in good health. But as someone wrote here before me :
Your illness seems also to be strenght. There is much that you have come to realize,much that you have understood,that,to many, yet is unknown. As a wise mind once told me (dont know if you remember,Stand,but it was you) go count your blessings,for there seems you have quite alot..
(and your advice helped me realize that self pitty brings nothing but more self pitty,sometimes i get a little wired up in my own self pitty..but i am aware of it now and will try to cut it out,so thanks :)
me?!
5:13pm sunday, 23rd february
You seem to have gotten a lot from life,stand.To have faith in people and them doing the right thing one must have faith in personal overcoming of little and big things..you have shown that is possible to overcome!GO HUMANITY!! Ill go drink for that(and all there is to be happy bout)so lets be happy world!!
kimberley
7:24pm monday, 24th february
This day was my 30th birthday. I have decided that since i have made it to my 30th birthday dispite all of the drinking and drugs i have done (especially this birthday weekend),this birthday marked the end of it all. I am going cold turkey. I think I'll do some soul searching.
Stand
8:30pm monday, 24th february
Best of luck with that, kimberly. I'll send you some good thoughts.
dan
me?!
Stand