I feel as if I'm failing. There has been this notion that I've had, and I've had it as long as I remember: that I was meant for something great. I don't know what that great thing might be, but I feel as if I'm letting that notion down, that I'm letting destiny itself down. It is as if I have given my best, and it wasn't good enough, that it will never be good enough, no matter what I do. It is despair. It is "Who am I kidding?", and nothing can make it better, nothing can tell me that it's going to be okay, because it isn't okay: I have done the full of what my capacity can do, and that forked no lightning, that moved not the currents of any river against its course. I feel old, and defeated. I know, I know, this, too, will pass, but this is where I am right now, at the bottom of emotion.
Was it wrong, all this time, that notion? Was it just a fantasy concocted by my unconscious mind, or just pride manifesting itself? Perhaps there is a lesson here to be learned, but really, I am not in the mood. I don't want to try anything more, not right now; I don't want to do any more of what my dreams foretell, because they were all wrong: I wasn't meant for anything but survival, and I wasn't even that good at that. It was never meant for me to surpass the expectations or even meet the potential everyone (including me — I was fooled too) had for me. This is my lot, to be ordinary, and maybe that's the only lesson here. I will keep on, though my hopes are dashed, and I will continue in the only ways I have ever known. These dreams that I have had, maybe I will let them quietly recede.
Ginji
10:53pm friday, 1st august
Marianne Williamson said that "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not in just some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Just something to think about.
Ginji
jakaye