There is a thought that God never gives anyone more than they can handle. I don't know if I agree with this theory. Somewhere, through my sufferings, it seemed to me that I was given a little more than what I could handle, a little past my breaking point. It's a terrible thing, to be broken, and I hope you never reach anywhere close to that threshold of your being; but at least I can tell you that if it happens, it is survivable. You may think that tomorrow has been canceled, but no, the day next comes by and by, the sun still rises, the world has not ended. One might say that this is what is meant by what one can handle, if he survives: but people do die, thus meaning they were put through too much, there; and no, I simply do not hold to that view: some people break.
When a bright Spring day is a mockery in its gladness, when the wind seems to laugh at you, when your heart seems to have been torn right out of your chest, when there is nothing to hold onto but pain — there is sometimes nothing of consolation. But live. Survive. For no one knows what tomorrow brings, no one can say what will be until it is. There is for one who perseveres a great benefit, if perhaps the only one, coming in the form of two words: "I understand". Having been through what I have, I can say that to someone else who is suffering, too. They are powerful words, and not everyone is able to say them and it means anything. So it is thus that sometimes meaning can come from the meaningless.... Have you been there? Maybe you understand, too?
tanya
5:25am thursday, 31st july
I relate, I understand, your article. It's amazing the limits that your mind and therefore body will take you. I find refuge in realness anymore. What I find to be true and real sometimes gives me the power and strength to go on, and know that this life is worth living. The sun shines brighter on certain days and just doesnt' shine at all on others. where it feels that the grandiosity and beauty life once posessed is forever gone. And then you hear a childs innocent laughter or see the sun break through a field of aspens, or hear your families familiar voice and you know that you can get by, at least for now. Unfortunately, being unable to relate to anyone is difficult, feelings of darkness and being utterly alone, losing faith in the unsurmountable beauty of God and this world, is such a trife thing to lose. And it seems as though it's lost forever. Pain and suffering are just that. And such is life, it must go on.
It's almost like looking through a whole new set of eyes, isn't it. As puzzling as it is, one thing is true. The lives of the depressed are sad ones. Ones that I hope nobody close to me ever has to experience.
To whoever may read this, know that there are people just like you, same setting, same tears, same grief, and the same feelings of despair, really.
Whatever it is that eats you up inside, do me a favor. Try to remember the spirited you. the OLD you. The you 2 months ago, or 10 years ago. The you that smiled-the person that was beautiful to themselves, and that's all that mattered. The you that had something to say aside from feelings of emptiness and self pity. Remember who you were, and call their name. Because they are there, inside of you, waiting...to come out and play again. To Put their faces in the sunshine and let out sighs of relief. Be good to you, you deserve it.
Know that in the end, the one that looks upon you and judges your actions isn't your old boy/girl friend, it isn't your family, your boss, or anyone in between. It's God. Give him your pain, say, here, this is too much, I need healed, somehow, someway...and I believe with all my heart that if you need help, He'll give it to you.
If anyone would like to talk, my email address is ju_jujohnson@mail.com
I am struggling and sometimes it helps to talk.
Thanks for listening.
tanya