Yesterday, on the train ride home, I felt a deep sadness within me. I wondered if it was merely the depressive side of the manic depressive part of my condition, but I also wondered if it was something more. I considered if there was some unconscious need that was going unfulfilled, and therefore causing within me that heavy heart. Is it that I am alone, was alone on the train, and generally lead something of a solitary life? For even when I am home, though I have roommates, I mostly stay in my own room in front of my computer and my TV. Is it that my work (topology as it relates to artificial intelligence) has been stalled, as I search instead for a job in Korea? For even if I am alone, if I have work that inspires me, I am for the most part a happy person. I don't know. What was it?
Maybe it was just the depressive side of me, after all. The feeling passed, when I arrived home, and I spent a leisurely evening watching the MTV Video Music Awards. But though dormant, I have a feeling that it still lives, that feeling, just below the surface of my waking mind. Perhaps I will feel it again on my ride home tonight, perhaps it will not overtake me for weeks or longer, but somehow, I know it is still present in my soul. My little pinky tells me that this is part of the condition of my being, and something needs to change for this sadness to lift from me. Or maybe it will never lift, that it is some existential condition ingrained into my deepest fibers. I hope not. I hope all it is may be that I need to fall in love, with some one, or even with some thing. I will keep on, wondering.
me?!
12:33am saturday, 30th august
hmm
Anonymous
1:11am saturday, 30th august
wow, is this the depression speaking or the twisted emotions of paranoid schizophrenia?
me?!