I always get the feeling that in the deepest of my psychosis, I was never that mad. True, I had retreated from reality into a sort of world of my own, dazed and zoning off while people talked directly at me, but was I ever that crazy? I get the feeling that I was milking it, somehow, that I could have snapped out of it if I really wanted to. I don't know. In most of the mental institutions I was committed to, or committed myself to, I basically left when I felt like leaving — or at least that is what I wanted to believe. In most cases (there was one exception), I just basically started acting "normal": instead of calling myself "Lucifer Morningstar" for example, I used my real name; I told them that the voices had gone away. The voices were still there, of course, but they had no reason not to believe me, the act and actions of normalcy.
Perhaps what I'm feeling is just buying my own act? I got them all to treat me like I was fine — maybe then I wasn't too far off the mark as far as sanity was concerned. I was a liar for most of my life, and the thing about liars is that they won't believe anyone else, but they themselves they believe — believe their own lies. It's the best way to get away with it, after all. And maybe now, the more earnest me, looks back and sees those old lies, and is fooled just like all the other people, gets that feeling that I wasn't ever that far gone.... But no, let me not believe that old deceiver me. You were that out of it, Stand. You thought that you were Jesus, God, an archangel, a prophet. You really believed it. You talked to people who have been dead for centuries. You spent months sitting alone in a room, talking to yourself — you were mad. Time you fessed up.
me?!
11:49pm friday, 3rd october
actually know someone who calles himself by that name,lucifer morningstar..
x
4:58pm wednesday, 8th october
Wow Stand! This is really perceptive and clear writing.Even those of us who are supposedly 'normal'(only because we haven't actually been prononounced mad by anyone in authority) can relate to this. We all fool ourselves a lot of the time- maybe we have to go 'mad' to find out our own lies?
Crazy John
11:41pm wednesday, 8th june
The madness becomes the sanity of the moment and visa versa. The ordinary becomes the extraordinary and visa versa. The beginning becomes the end and visa versa. [This is why it is called "a trip" !]
me?!
Crazy John