Let me say of myself that I am an abuser. I am an addict. I am reminded of a story about Philip K. Dick, who was famous for his partaking of methamphetamines: when he got a copy of a certain musician's music (whose identity I forget), he liked it so much that he played the album over again and again and again, whereupon his friend commented, "That's just like you, Phil. You get something you like and just abuse it." I remember when I read this story, I thought, that's exactly what I do. When I am at something, I do it to excess. When I used to smoke pot, it was a lot of it, without stop. I obsess about things, I cannot stop of my own accord: something like divine intervention is what it takes to shove me out of my addictions. Of them all, once is too much, a thousand is never enough. I do not understand how one may smoke only one cigarette a day, have coffee once a week, get high once a month. I cannot afford to think to think that I can do similar — one slip and I fall and fall, whereupon I must with effort dig out of that hole.
It's something I have to be on constant watch for; I think it is in my genes, hardwired somewhere — the machine part of my soul, a repeating bit flipping on time after time whose purpose is forgotten, leaving only the desire without knowing why. It is an utter lack of control, an abandon to sensation, a complete surrender to the forces of desire. It is my whole self that I lose to the urge. What is there to do? There are some paths I may never take in this walk through the world: it is too hard to find my way back to the highway where I should go: it is too much a struggle when in the negatives to go back to zero, to begin again.
x
8:55am tuesday, 28th october
Put your single mindedness (for that's what it is really) into something good, creative, artistic, musical, whatever. As long as it fires you up you won't have time to be 'addicted.'
You're intelligent and get bored easily so it's easy to slip into brain numbing stuff to try and stop the mental chatter.
A lot of us go through life with big holes in our hearts/souls and they can't be filled with money or possessions, despite what our consumer society tries to tell us.
The problem is finding what does it for YOU. Maybe you will try many things before you get it, love isn't enough, religion isn't enough, although these things help. Keep searching and throw your bloody cigarettes out of the window!
x
madhatter