I suppose I should be thankful. I have my health, I have my dreams, I have a family and friends who love me. But somehow, I feel incomplete. I'm not sure quite what it is, if it may be that I need a woman in my life (though I'm working on that one), or if it is what I suspect it is: I feel I have not accomplished anything in my life. I feel it more and more as I age, as this last year has passed, I look back and I see just someone who survives, someone who gets by, but no one special. People have said to me that I am gifted, and that feeds the feeling even more: after all, one is given much because much is expected back (so it is said). I need to get something done. I need to strap on some boots and blaze a trail, forge on ahead with boldness, go as if nothing can stop me. These dreams of mine: what good are they if I make nothing of them?
I think I have begun, but it always seems as such — that I am constantly beginning. I need to finish something. Always it is that I am taking the first steps in a journey of a thousand miles. I can never see past the horizon where the prize is. And perhaps it is not that I should work harder; I have worked for the last two years on this one project, and I seem never to be near its implementation, but only ever brainstorming ideas upon ideas never to be fully realized. I have to find a new tack, I think. I need to discover just why I am constantly spinning my wheels as if in great velocity but never going anywhere. Wish me luck. I am by far not giving up these quests of mine, there is still passion coursing through my arteries. I suppose I should be thankful.
nikita
3:54pm thursday, 1st january
I feel that the key is right there in your post.
Our thoughts are always at the beginning, searching for truth, knowledge, looking for better answers. And self analyzing never stops. But when we look at other people, try to understand them and find love and empathy with others, that's when we start to feel fulfillment.
Your introspection is on an amazing level, just don't leave it there. Use the same eye to try to understand others.
Wish you good health, love, success and lots of satisfaction in 2004.
me?!
12:33am friday, 2nd january
You need to buy yourself a boxing set.One- you seem to have too much energy going to waste,that can not be healthy! second-you suddenly see things so much clearer after a good work out punching with all your might.Maybe then you`ll see what it is you`re cut out to do,maybe then your course will reveal itself,when you are too tired to think.Thoughts often get in the way of the answer,it kinda blocks the answer from revealing itself.
So maybe you should stop thinking so much.You know,your body has a funny way of cooping just fine without you constantly thinking.
Well anyway.Happy new year!
x
8:50am wednesday, 7th january
Wouldn't it be great if we could turn thinking on and off whenever we wanted to. Activities can help-boxing, drumming, whatever is your thing-(you need to find it), and meditation. But Nikita is right, you are at the beginning of a new adventure, start looking outwards. Everyone needs to love and be loved so just be open to the possibility. You are a self aware and thoughtful person, most women like that. Don't have some preconceived idea of the right person in your head though or you will keep searching without finding, just let things happen.
Oh and some projects take time, if it is worth doing 2 years is nothing!
nikita