There is a deeper weariness that overcomes me at times, past the usual tiredness caused by lack of sleep or too much exertion. It is an infinite weariness, so deep in my soul I cannot touch it, only know that it is there: life itself a great toil, just to be takes sometimes all my strength. If I believed in reincarnation, I would think that my soul is ancient, having gone through this existence dozens, hundreds of times, never getting it right, always searching for the enlightenment that never comes. But as it is, I don't; it is just that I feel far beyond my years, feel older than time itself at moments. It is an unnamable thing, the enigma of time I have not spent showing itself in the sag of my eyes.
I don't remember it anymore, what youth was like. Could that have been me, still new to this world, never having experienced any kind of real suffering? Is this what happens when you have "paid your dues" — feel as if you have lived a lifetime and a half, to waken in the morning only by supreme effort? Yes, sleep: that is my escape these days. Such is the dream of any tired man. But there is too much I want to do, too much that life calls on me to accomplish; I cannot sleep my life away. This weariness must I overcome, for there are children older than me, I think — those who have already seen more suffering than I ever will. Strength, man: not even half the day is over: work to be done.
AH-
9:23pm monday, 19th january
"Be not weary, . . . ye are laying the foundation for a great work."
AH-