Every time, every time I want to give up, just to surrender all hope, something comes along. Something always pops up to keep me going another mile, or another hundred yards, or even just another few feet. Sometimes, it seems that it is more a curse than a blessing, that I am continually at the end of my rope, and before I can fashion that rope into a noose, I see another vine hanging which I may grab and continue. These passions I have, these projects I have subscribed to: they are not "want to" any more, but "have to". I cannot but go on in the courses set before me, whether they be of destiny or my own inner stubbornness. I despair that I will never despair, that I will never be allowed the resignation of the abandonment of my dreams: something always happens, and I go on.
But do I forget, do I forget what it used to be like? Is it better to have a dream that never comes true (though it hints there is an end somewhere), than not to have a dream at all? If I remember correctly, I recall my prayers of old, when I had no passion for anything — I prayed to be so "cursed", like I am now.... I think I will not ask for release, as I have hoped for at many a time. I think I must instead be thankful for what has been like a torment, at times. It is better to feel than not to feel, better a passion that burns an unquenchable fire than to lack any such fire, to be left with a fruitless life. For if memory serves, my heart hurt even more in times prior to this burning, and it had nothing like a reason why, just pain without purpose — far worse than being on a heartache road.
me?!
1:03pm friday, 23rd january
A heartache road can be damn hard to travel,pain without purpose seems more bearable.I wish I never had known feelings of any kind!I wish my heartache would disolve instantly when the kind rays of the sun strikes upon them,and that I never,never know any such notions of pain,sorrow or joy..*oh,please,grant me my peayer great forces of this universe*
ariel
11:46pm friday, 23rd january
Puzzle
You see your world like the pieces of a puzzle
A jumble of past misery and future hopelessness
The past that should be dead, lives in your memory
The future that is not born, a vision of endless torment
There is no meaning in this unfinished puzzle
The pieces are scattered upon the board
Frantically you try to piece them together
One by one to find some image to define your life.
Doubt stalks your lack of insight
As you close your eyes and feel between your fingers
The final piece of the puzzle
The only living moment . . . the now.
Fearfully you put it into place
Supposing that it will bring no clarity or meaning
Will you close your eyes, dare not to look
At the clarity that comes in the moment one chooses life.
It is the deepest inner part of you, beneath the brain and the feelings that will not allow it, I am the same. It means that inner core that we suppress so much is strong. It can be stronger, enough to have joy rather than suffereing.
jasmine
11:22pm monday, 3rd may
WHEN I READ THIS ENTRY,IT FELT LIKE SOME
ONE KNEW HOW I FEEL & FOUND THE WORDS I
COULDN'T FIND.EVEN THE TITLE IS GOOD.I
HAVE BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD MANY TIMES,&
IT'S HARD.BUT IT IS BETTER TO FEEL THAN
BE DEAD INSIDE.ARIEL,YOUR COMMENT WAS AS
BEAUTIFUL AS HEARTACHE ROAD.THANKS
me?!
ariel