There are some moments that I just want to quit. My dreams, my job, everything: just put my whole life in the toilet and flush. It's a little mad, I wager, but am I right to assume that "normal" people have such feelings? Driving home from work, do you ever get the urge to drive right on past your home, keep going until you run out of gas or you reach the shore of the closest body of water? ...I don't know what it is that makes me feel so. My life, for all appearances, seems to be going quite well, so what is this restlessness that overcomes me? What makes me want to run away? Life: I know I have not had enough of you: no, it is not that I want to exit the game, but rather that I want to wipe the board clean and start with a new set of pieces — something like that.
When I used to do acid, there were these glimpses I thought I had when reality would open up and reveal what was lying underneath. Maybe I miss those visions; maybe I want to know what's really going on, even if it's just a myth, just a fantasy, just a trip. Normality is just too normal, sometimes. But no, I can't do those things anymore — I've had enough negative reinforcement (and I have my faith) to keep me from desiring such escapes. I must tell myself, "People do it every day, Stand. They get up in the morning, drink their coffee, and go to a job they hate. They come home, watch some TV, and go to sleep. They do it every day." Maybe this is the final test — maybe this is true courage — be normal. To put that in my pipe and smoke it.
x
1:11pm wednesday, 4th february
Other people may lead boring lives, but at what cost to their soul? Why do you feel the need to emulate them?? Do you think your God made you and created this fantastic world intending you to be BORED!
The restlessness is a good sign, it is a message telling you to get on with the rest of your life. You are young and reasonably healthy I expect. You don't have any children depending on you.
You moved to another continent expecting things to be different but you took yourself with you. What is it about yourself you need to change/accept?
What is stopping you from changing your life? Is it the boring world or is it your own fear?? This sounds like a lecture, which wasn't intended, but I know the feeling. I know where you are coming from. I understand.
And don't think being dead is the answer, you only have to come back and work it all out again.
Do what makes you happy. Trust the universe. You are smart. Get on with it.
nikita
2:56pm wednesday, 4th february
I'm sure you miss those acid visions and I thought about it before: how nothing in reality can realy beat one's dreams.
I think we all feel that we can't stand life sometimes, I just never think of a blank, erased page - I just feel like ready to explode.
We can't really comment other peoples' lives, because we don't know what their idea of life is. I see nothing wrong in going to work and coming back home to watch TV if that makes a person happy.
The most important question would be:
what is YOUR idea of life
how you see YOURSELF
what is your vision.
That I want to know for myself, too.
myra
7:39pm wednesday, 4th february
i can really relate to the first paragraph. i often feel like just driving right passed my place and not stopping until i absolutely have to. when i get like that its not that i really want to "quit the game" its that i feel like im already finnished. like i need to move to the next level. i often feel that i can go no further and that ive already been every where i am headed.
i believe that at some point that i will find where i am wanting to go. im still in the same place for a reason. maybe to help others get through what ive been through. it always is good to have an experienced companion to walk you through and tell you you're almost done.
x