Why have you saved me? I am the least worthy
of all: I have cursed you, called you a liar,
denied you time and time again, did my best
to shut you out of the remotest corner of my life.
I was not looking for you, lost that I was in confusion,
seeking some meaning I knew could not be
as simple as the name that would turn
my life around: Jesus. All the arguments for you, I
parried them away when I read, I closed my ears
when I heard, I looked away when I saw. It could not be,
never — no one man could have been so much,
no one man could be the savior of the world. Who
dares claim to be perfect? My indignation
was high against you. I did not understand why
the "good news" was so good, how in death, you were
victorious, how God could come in the form of a man.
In secret, though, I prayed. I knew not to whom, I
knew not if anyone would ever answer. And I remember
how you came upon me, took my heart under your wing:
as if brushing away a little soot that hid the me
that I never knew was there, to show me that
my way led nowhere, however fast or hard I might run:
you saved me, not just on some faraway judgment,
but here, now. I did not know I needed to be forgiven
until you forgave me. I did not know you could
do such a thing, find what I never knew was lost: me.
lydia
5:08pm thursday, 11th march
i was kind of hoping you were going to get full enlightenment, but you stooped back into the Christian block. You are going in circles...I guess you should enjoy Jesus's love as long as you can handle and then when it is not enough anymore try to remember everything you've discovered through gnosticism but bring in the new feeling of God... Just a thought...
myraj
7:36pm thursday, 11th march
i thought this was a beautiful entry. and i absolutely love the way you ended it.
going in circles is a major part of life. everyone has their moments and change our minds and emotions very, very often. i dont think any conversion was in the making but just that feelings about things were different at that moment in time.
once again. God Bless.
~myraj
Rich
7:00am friday, 12th march
Why do we make it so difficult to accept the presence of the divine? I believe it is because in many aspects it is represented in ourselves, we feel if we give life to Him we lose it, but there we really find it in absolute love.
I will not pretend that I do not drift from love, in fact i'd say i spend 96% of my time miserable and believing that by only myself may I be saved. Forgiving yourself is just as important as giving yourself to love of everybody. one builds on the other. but these feelings start leaving faster and faster. its really hard to find contentment
Stand
8:05am friday, 12th march
lydia: I'm sorry that you feel that enlightenment and Christianity are mutually exclusive. I don't believe that to be so.
lydia
Rich
Stand