In the crowd, smooshed together in the subway car, I am near her, right next to someone whose face I half glimpse. I look the other way. I can tell she sees my face for a moment, lingers there, looks away. I can tell this, yet still, I have no idea of what she really looks like because I will not look at her square on. She turns to her friend, and I stare at the back of her head. If she never turns around, if I never see her face, she's still beautiful. She stays beautiful, and no ugly reality to get in the way of this tenth part fantasy. The subway car jostles everyone, and we bump together accidentally, and then there flashes in my head how her whole body might feel close to mine. I let the imagination fly off.
Almost, almost: I almost catch the sight of her whole face, and I get a hint of "plainness", of — not ugliness, but of brute honesty. It's spoiled, somewhat, this beauty of the unseen I have hovering in my consciousness. But I refuse to see her, tell myself I got a bad glimpse, that what I saw wasn't what I thought I saw. If I try hard enough, her beauty stays pristine, pristine unseen.... There have been other times when I thought I saw (or didn't see) such a beauty. Then I always ruin it all by looking directly into the flames, and find nothing there but cellophane in the wind. But no, not this time. She brushes past me, out of the train, and I never see her. She is immortal in me, the beauty ne'er beheld.
Edward
11:35pm thursday, 21st october
I can associate with this I think. I think in a way it is your world when you are on your own, solitary, your thoughts and then the reality of what people are really like. How they are in your mind and how they are in reality. My own world is far nicer, of course you can choose which reality to be with. Great stuff on your site.
kittie
5:40am monday, 20th december
I haven't been on your site in a while, since July when you stopped posting. But when I came back out of pure curiosity I was pleasantly surprised. I really like this entry, I feel the same about beauty, it's always spoiled by reality. I believe that's why I like your site so much, you write the most beautiful things, and if I ever met you then the beauty in your words would be spoiled. I'm glad your back.
Edward
kittie