I am still haunted, sometimes, by things that never happened. Did I ever tell you that I sent my father to Hell, once? Or that I sent a troop of Koreans into a well of pain as huge as the sun? And my once hero, Jimi Hendrix, I saw him disintegrate and did nothing to stop it, back when I believed myself all-powerful. When I thought Micha-el the Archangel lost the War in Heaven, I showed my purest cowardice, letting anyone and everyone fill that role instead of me. I wanted to be Lucifer Morningstar, God's brightest angel, but one who never fell from grace. I thought I was the Antichrist who wanted nothing to do with evil. I praised Hitler, tried to save him on more than one occasion (my intent was good, for if he could be saved, could not anyone? though we all know all about where good intentions are the road to). They were just pictures in my head, but I thought it was all so real while it was happening. And I was no hero, given even the countless chances to live up to the hype I was pumping myself with for so long.
I wonder sometimes what these things say about my true nature. I always thought myself one of the good guys, but maybe I just wanted to be on the side that I was sure that won. And we have been taught from so far back that the good guys always do win in the end.... Perhaps I am a little too hard on myself, though these bad things are easier to remember than any small good I may have accomplished to the people floating in my head. Yes, yes: I was messed up; I understand that. That seems of little comfort though, when you believe yourself in possession of the knowledge of what you are capable of, if it came right down to it. I guess, though, if I really try, I can count it all joy. I know what a wretch I was — still am, to at least some degree (I am certain). Given a second chance to prove myself, knowing that what is happening really is happening: second chances like that are few and far between. This second chance of mine (third, and fourth, I sometimes think), I pray I don't blow it. And there are some God given fibers in me that believe — I know not why — that I won't.
Red
2:53am friday, 8th october
Did you ever consider that Jesus got bored so He was nailed to a board? I have schizophrenia, too.
Red
chris