I thought I had been fighting it, but there is still such pride in me. I keep thinking I’m all that. I believe it is the source of my Antichrist dementia: thinking I am the greatest of all who ever were (the smallest part of believing such a thing) triggers the paranoia that I am like Lucifer before the fall. Yes, that part of my madness yet lingers. But don’t think that it’s all that bad; for deeper in me is the faith that I know will bring me through it all, however much I suffer doubt that I can be saved, however much I lose heart. The pride in me: these harrowing thoughts help me fight it, for if I am humble, I have nothing to fear. Count it all joy — you may find that you can, believe it or not, if you but try. We’ve made it through today. Tomorrow starts with a new dawn.
Strawberry
6:49pm sunday, 9th january
I too suffer from both feelings of pride and degredation. Sometimes I feel like I am something special and sometimes I feel like I am just a ruin of a human being because of my schizophrenic illness. I was so capable before I got sick, a person who was really "going places". In my highschool yearbook I was called a "crazed demon from hell" and two other friends predicted that I would be the first woman president of the United States. How far I fell when I lost the engine of my mind! I like to say that when I got sick God broke my back and forced me to crawl so that I could learn humility. If I hadn't gotten sick then perhaps my arrogance, selfishness, and ambition would have caused me to hurt other's lives. I've heard said that in upper management positions, among the leaders of great corporations, there are a great number of sociopaths. Their will is so strong that they can create and move mountains. The only trouble is that all their power of will is used only to meet their own narcissistic needs. Greed, power, and enhancement of self-image.
I am in the process of starting a business, and like any other, I am starting a company in the hopes of making monetary profit. But for a while now I have been thinking, how can my business profit others? If my company carries a message, and I think that when you market a product there is always some sort of personal emotional argument involved in the marketing campaign, what can I say that will improve the quality of life of the particular subculture that I care about? I know that I have not been specific here, but bottom line is no matter what rewards I reap there must be a method in which I give back. And it isn't like giving money to a charity is enough. If my company gives me a platform on which to say something, what am I going to say?
Sometimes my love for my dog humbles me.
On a different subject, I read your life story and I must say that I am envious that you had the audacity to visit a massage parlor. I've always wanted to hire a prostitute. I saw the movie "Henry and June" and the married couple did just that and it looked like fun. Probably reality isn't as erotic as a hollywood film. Oh yes, and the ritualistic party in Standly Kubrick's movie "Eyes Wide Shut" looked wonderful too. Do you feel lucky that your life has included such adventures, even if you never wish to revisit that sort of place again?
Strawberry
Stand