When destiny’s call was far off, when it was merely a thought, an idea, all was well and good. I had hope, I had purpose — I was happy to struggle. But now, I feel as if I grow near something, close to actually achieving something I was truly meant to do, something great. These ideas that I have, some of them are starting to make like they point to some elemental truth, or some such like that. I felt, before, as if I were always on the verge of something big, and now, I feel as if I have breached the threshold, and if I don’t hold onto something good and firm, all the tumblers of my fate will collapse, all at once. And I am afraid to know the calibrations on the great silver wheel that drives creation. Perhaps I am wrong, and what I have is not so fantastic. That might be a relief... or... I am torn. Like anyone, when it comes down to the money of it, I don’t know what I want. Not really. Best, maybe, just to take it all as it comes, whatever comes. And not to be disappointed if success is not so great, nor if I quietly fail to achieve anything at all.
Strawberry
11:42am tuesday, 1st march
I know that success is frightening. When I first sold a drawing it was to a collector and he didn't just buy one....I was a nobody and I walked away with $750....and then I felt like dying. The pain was enormous. I kept on walking up the street to a grocery where I bought a large bunch of grapes. I was very poor at the time so this sweet fruit was a big expense, a rare treat, but I bought it to celebrate the surprise sale of my drawings.
You should aim for the stars. You should simply try your best. Money brings stability. Money makes a loving relationship and marriage possible. Money makes kids possible. Money is just a tool, like a car, and it can take you places quickly and efficently. I know all about money because I left my husband who was worth $6 million for a man who works in a factory and has no savings account.... If you make money once you have it you will realize that you can walk away from it whenever you want and enjoy other things that life has to offer. But until you actually have the money, you won't know the choices that your heart is capable of. Because without money, how you can live is controlled and limited.
A friend once pointed out to me once that many great artists are only appreciated after they are dead. Emily Dickinson and Van Gogh come to mind. You are right to want to "hold onto something good and firm" because it will steady you no matter what comes to pass, through both sucess and failure.
Strawberry