To continue from the previous entry of the chronological tale, much of the time from when Jesus in my head shut off the cartoons and voices (for the most part — every once in a while a little flurry, but not really anything), it was pretty mundane, that time. I had a couple of crap jobs, one as a data entry clerk, and another as an administrative assistant. I hated those jobs. In fact, I hated being an administrative assistant so much that in April of 1994, I took off from work and my parents' house, cashed in the current paycheck, bought a bag of weed and visited a massage parlor in Philadelphia. When the money ran out, I checked myself into the mental institution I had been in previously, making up a story that I was having suicidal thoughts. It was so easy to play them, those "doctors".
Again, I had a really good time. I hooked up with a woman there, and I had sex with her. She was an ex-prostitute. Not very attractive and we had nothing in common — I don't know what I was thinking. (I dumped her later, in one of my biggest moments of insensitivity.) About the whole affair, my parents were pissed. I had taken the only working car. They had to walk to one of their friend's houses because they had no car, and that took them more than an hour. They had had it. They told me that they were sending me to Korea, and that I was going to work on a farm. A Christian farm.
Really, nothing I could say in my defense; I went that May. It was on that farm where, this one night, during when a group of (mostly) kids were visiting from the 'States and Canada, that a man (I wish I remembered his name) just hit all the right buttons, mostly the feeling that I was as lost as I was. I went out with him on a dirt path out in the forest, woods outside the building where the group was staying, and I prayed, really prayed for the first time in my life. I converted that night, and I never regretted it. Note that the cartoons and voices had not yet returned: I converted during a time of sanity.
I was outta there, free of the farm, by September. But before that, late August, I got my hands on some marijuana. (In Thailand. Went there to renew my visa in Korea. Great food there.) Anyway, this would come back to me — I'm pretty sure that was it, that and not having any medication — in September of 1994 the voices and cartoons came back. This was where I became sure I was the Archangel Michael born on Earth, and this was where Rosanna Arquette really came into the picture in my head.
And the next part — that's the fun part. That's the meat of it all.
Tracy
1:47am saturday, 10th november
It was so easy to play them, those "doctors".
More than likely, they knew you were full of shit, but *had* to admit you to cover their own asses. In most states, it's against the law to release a patient who "claims" to be suicidal.
Stand
2:49am saturday, 10th november
I think I know what you're saying, Tracy. I overheard a conversation between staff members the above time I was in the institution that too many people were using it as a health-insurance covered vacation. But I knew enough to know that if you're a danger to yourself or others, then you must be committed. Using that information, I made up the story which I was pretty sure they'd have to let me in with. And I also know that when you stop being a danger to yourself or others, they have to let you go. So I told them I was no longer having suicidal thoughts, and they let me out.
Even if the doctors knew it, knew that I was full of it, some of us who were on the inside knew they knew, and we didn't care. What we got was our way, and that was all that mattered to us.
Anyway, I'll get to the part when I was pretty unable to pull off the act of normalcy, when the appearance of sanity was hardfought.
fur
8:07pm saturday, 10th november
i played like i was sucidal w/ my family....didnt work thou even when im serious and tell them i hear voices they mock me and call me crazy. and when i tell them i fear i may be they still laugh and mock me only to shut me out later on.
la la
10:17am sunday, 11th november
You must fend for yourself FUR.
In the end you'll only be stronger and independent.
Tracy
fur
la la