The madness had memory. This I recall quite clearly, one of the more insidious natures of the stuff of psychosis. That it knew things about me — this seemed not so surprising, as it was, after all, my mind that was doing all that wild broohaha to me, but if I spoke to it in a derogatory way at some point, at another point (maybe months later), it remembered to the letter what I had said. And of course, it would use what that was against me in some way. As if not only all the workings of my mind was visible to this enemy entity within, but that there was some space for it within the architecture of my mental engines where it had actively taken over some real functionality.... Perhaps it should not have surprised me so, for after all, it used the powers of my speech formulation, and mental visualization, but I could accept that quite easier — just imagination gone amok. Memory was something else.
I made sure to note it, later, when I started getting better. After the event of my realization, I remember that I started attacking it back. It was not always a victorious undertaking, and later, it would rather kick my ass again, but I made sure that I took it into account when I assailed it in word or some sort of mental perturbation that it would remember what I did to it. Freaking... take that, you stupid #$*%&@ mental process! I made sure to make it realize that after I won against it those times that I did, it wouldn’t conveniently ignore what I had done. We do what we can with what we have. When the madness remembers, I guess the only thing you can do is to fly in the face of it, defiantly stand against it, and cry, “Don’t you dare forget me!” Because when it knocks you down, you may find you can get up again. As many times you need to for it to realize you won’t give up.
Strawberry
12:08pm sunday, 17th april
I give up and let the symptoms of schizophrenia live far, far more than I fight them. I guess this makes me feel guilty and lazy.
Some of the people who want to cure me or lead me into recovery want me to work. They keep good statistics that they show to the state of how many mentally ill people they have put back to work. What they don't show are the numbers of mentally ill people who ended up in the hospital after trying hard, or those who work for several months and then have to quit from the anxiety, or worse, like my paranoid schizophrenic friend, work for several years and then kill themselves.
I give up easily, I fail at what I want to do almost every day. Be it take a shower, go for a jog, write, draw......I do have days of victory......but more often I fail to do what I would like to do. But I survive. I don't get hospitalized and I don't go on more and more medication.
I say to my schizophrenia, "I won't forget you. I know that you limit me. I know that you are a part of me." But if the schizophrenia went away tomorrow, I also know that there is a full blown personality that is ready to step in and fill the empty space of the disease. So I guess that that is my sucess. I've gotten good at living with the illness without making the defeat of the illness a life goal.
I remember how much my mind could accomplish in one day when I was going to college, before I became ill. I remember the electric energy. I remember all the events and conversations that could be crammed into one day. These memories help me to understand the behavior of society and the non-mentally ill people in my life. My efforts with these memories are to not let them torment me. Maybe I should fight more to get back that girl and what she could do. I admire your fighting spirit Stand. I really do. It is just, I have long lived in a mentally ill subculture of disabled people and I have seen people pick a fight with their illness, they tried to do better for themselves, and the illness won. When a schizophrenic illness wins it takes over more of your mind than it ever did before. A person tried to recover but instead they got worse. Nobody keeps statistics on these people, they are conveniently forgotten. The people who say, "I fought and I won" write articles and give speeches and the silence of all those who have fallen to a lower, sicker depth cannont impinge on glow and promise of the tales of the victorious. Everyone wants to learn lessons from those who succeed. So few seem interested in learning lessons from those who fail. I care and worry about those who have lost their voice in society completely.
reflection
1:53am monday, 18th april
"As many times it takes for it to realize you won't give up"......it?
Stand
2:19am monday, 18th april
Oops. I changed it to "As many times you need to". Thanks.
Reflection
7:03pm tuesday, 19th april
Strawberry,sit in a chair.Think about who you really are. Thats who you are. No matter what!
reflection
7:24pm tuesday, 19th april
Sorry Strawberry, that sounded like some stupid shit a psychiatrist without a clue would say.
Hellophotokitty
2:20pm tuesday, 26th april
'When the madness remembers, I guess the only thing you can do is to fly in the face of it, defiantly stand against it, and cry, “Don’t you dare forget me!” Because when it knocks you down, you may find you can get up again. As many times you need to for it to realize you won’t give up.'
I am living with manic depression and your post is a courageous one. You are on the road to healing. Stay strong.
Strawberry
Stand