I don’t know when it was that I decided to give the world, as a people, a chance. I may, in fact, still be in the process of letting this happen. How it was when I was younger that I scoffed at all the traditions of these we fallible human beings, how we none of us could be right about anything, and how foolish it was to plan for what was to be, how stupid it was to thing that any of us could be counted on for anything. But I came around. I noticed that, for all the hiccups and grinding of the gears of society, what we have as a civilization works. For I understand that we are not perfect, that this civilization is not anything near the best of all possible worlds, but I choose to give it the benefit of the doubt. Horrible things will still happen, but there are good things that occur, too, and perhaps it is that we have grown so used to many of these good things that they don’t strike us anymore, not like the evil does, nowadays. No, we cannot be counted to make of this world a Heaven, but we can be to feed our children. And that not all children of the world are being fed — this left to do, I think, yes, we will be able to accomplish it. This and other things of its ilk: we have the capacity to do them. I have a little faith in us.
Reflection
8:56pm thursday, 21st april
Im gonna have to differ Stand.The worlds been in overtime for a long time now.Even the most stupid person on the planet has to know that.I'd be embarassed to bring a child into this three ring circus.Welcome to Hell.(What really amazes me, is there are many people with schizophrenia who have way better morals and values,and operate in society in a way more peaceful manner, than the sell your soul for the dollar money grabbing fuckheads.)aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!
Strawberry
3:54am friday, 22nd april
I think that schizophrenia humbles a person. It makes you value the small things in life. And yeah, most schizophrenics I know are very good & gentle souls. You can say, "Welcome to Hell" Reflection, but I can't see any devil in you. And truthfully, there isn't much bad in me either.
I read a book a few months back which was written by an autistic woman. She has the type called asberger's syndrom and her father had it and now her daughter has it. What helped her is that her father gave her good advice on how to be different from others and yet stay true to herself. The author calls people without autisim "neurotypicals" or NTs. She studies NTs and tries to help her daughter fit into a NT world, but she wants her daughter to grow up loving herself just the way she is.
Aparently autistic people, like schizophrenic people, can become depressed and suicidal. The drive to be accepted by society and liked by others is so strong, even in those who emotions are wired a little bit differently.
Feeling tormented is a little different from being an agent of chaos and torment. I would like not to be tormented by the fact that my brain is wired differently.
And I would like to walk with an angel by my side who I can talk to and get advice from whenever I am afraid. But I think I have to meditate and eat differently for such good communication to take place. But it is a nice goal to have.
Strawberry
4:00am friday, 22nd april
Hey Reflection, do you have enough food to eat? I mean, I hope that you don't have to go hungry much. I hope that you have enough money to buy the kind of food you like to eat. Do you have enough money to sometimes eat in public places, like McDonalds or diners and resturants? If you have to eat beans a lot or one meal a day I would be sad.
reflection
10:49am saturday, 23rd april
Yes I eat well. Strawberry(You need to change your name, it doesn't fit with your intelligent personality.)
Strawberry
12:06am monday, 25th april
What! A strawberry is a tiny red fruit that is not too sweet and usually irregular in shape. Cezanne painted apples. Again and again. I have painted strawberries more than any other fruit and I will tell you why. First, their shapes are always irregular, they are a fantastic challenge to draw - more so than apples. And after I draw a strawberry I get the pleasure of eating it immediately! Second, I like the green contrast of a leafy cap.
And hey, I'm schizophrenic and prone to loving concrete thought processes. I have trouble "getting" jokes becasue the punchline ususally involves an abstraction - and I tend to believe everything I hear. I mean, I have to ask people if they are being sarcastic, because, well, my head can't do lying gymnastics well. I named my dog after a food I had once at Christmas as a child. I have painted a woman wearing a Channel dress and on top of her head I painted a bunch of cherries. Big cherries. Why? Don't know. Painted a self portait recently and what was balanced precariously on my knees? A very large pineapple. It was fun to buy at the grocery store (I handled every fruit- naughty), paint, and then it rotted so fast that I only ate part of it. Can you imagine the challenge of painting a pinapple when you have no technical training? It's HARD.
The more intelligent a person is the more they are in awe of all the mystery surrounding life and what it means to be human. The more I learn and the more I know THE LESS POWERFUL I FEEL. And that is good and safe. Because long ago when I first got sick I thought that I was the Anti-Christ, just like Stand. (Only, you know that when the real anti-christ arrives, the opposite of the last Christ, is a she! Oh yeah, wore only black for a year and a half because the opposite of the white robes that Christ wore is black!) I know what Stand talkes about being the conduit through which power flows and that power burning you out. Many years of my childhood where spent thinking, "Fuck, I'm gifted but I'm 5 to 10 IQ points short of being genius and all I give a shit about is being a genius. Because I really need that extra edge of intelligence."
I love humor. I love kindness. I love simplicity. Because I grew up in a dog eat dog world where I was being groomed to be one of the sharks who smiles and insultes a stranger at the same time. Have you ever noticed the smile a retarded person gives you, it is so incredibley real. Do you know the honor when they sense something in you that is trustworthy and then they want to shake your hand? I had the best time today playing for an hour with a two month old cocker spanial puppy. No intelligence involved what-so-ever. And it was sheer joy.
I did have to stick my fingers down the back of the puppy's throat a lot and make him gag to try to stop his habit of biting. That was intelligent but rather sad to watch.
Yes, I am proud to be a tiny red fruit.
reflection
10:17am monday, 25th april
Ok, Ok, you can keep your name, but you got to stop sticking your fingers down that dogs throat.
Reflection