They do not understand
the experience of everything
coming to a complete stop.
Of the you before, dead,
now you having to travel through
the spirit lands, in the
dark wood of heaving shadow,
hoping only for the chance
to breathe of free air again,
to breathe and it not
portend the end of the world.
All you want is that grinding
start, back from the very
scratch, or very much like it,
suddenly half the person
you imagined yourself to be,
or even that you remembered
how it was you were.
They do not understand
that there are people who still
wander aimlessly through
the meaningless corners
of the astral plane, who will
never find their way back
to the realm of material.
They do not understand
that this stranger you became
remembers how they
looked at you, even when
you were so very far away;
and you could not express
that you hurt in any
human way. But how human
that pain was, the last thing
left, at times, of what was you.
Reflection
12:41am tuesday, 26th april
Don't even get me started Stand.
Strawberry
1:05am tuesday, 26th april
Beautiful Stand. For years I used to call the start of my illness my "little death" until I found out that that phrase translated into French refers to an orgasm.
The hours I have spent remembering the girl who is dead. The anger at losing great chances in life. And the psychiatric idiots who keep telling me that she will come back if I just try hard, try a new drug, or give it more time. But now, I am afraid of who she was. I want her mental powers, but, nobody could get close to her. I remember walking the streets of NYC tormented - this was before the illness struck - and I had friends, a lover, hot clothes, a college full of facinating people, good grades, and, it was ashes. I suppose one could argue that this was the ripe pre-condition for a breakdown, that the illness was already altering reality in subtle ways. But I have a memory of being on vacation when I was about ten. My family had rented a beach house for a month. And I remember crying in bed, I don't know why. And I guess the depth of my unhappiness was abnormal because my grandmother offered me a dollar if I would just stop being sad. It is a strange memory because what I remember the most was my grandmother's despiration, she was crying too when she offered me a dollar.
I think that there are children who are born strange. They see too much or have feelings that are attached to a reality that most don't have easy access to. Maybe later they do drugs to cope with their strangeness. No one in society points a finger at them and says, "you don't fit". In fact, what Stand and I heard instead was, "you are gifted". So, that is being different from the rest of the kids in a good way? I didn't do drugs to cope, instead I became a self-centered manipulative bitch. And oh yeah, I could be really sweet too. Like me, like me, and then boo-hoo I'll drop you on your ass.
If the strange children survive...... they have to survive drugs, suicide, nervous breakdowns, and maybe schizophrenia....... if the strange children survive then they can give the world something it needs. I haven't fingured out yet what our contribution can be. But I believe that the schiozphrenic transformation must have some value. I believe I am no longer who I was before the illness, but I think I became who I am supposed to be. Strange child, strange adult, and no force on this planet could have prevented it.
Not yet. But science may advance.
reflection
7:42pm tuesday, 26th april
Where does the devil come from?Trust me, you will have more peace believing in Buddha,than God. As far as I'm concerned. if you don't know who you really are by now in this day and age. You never will.Im 100% sure there aren't any questions like that on an iq test, Miss wonderful.
reflection
7:47pm tuesday, 26th april
If you pluck the tigers whiskers, you get clawed.
Reflection
11:40pm tuesday, 26th april
Its nice Stand, that you have this site.,but be realist.I just told my dad that everything is relevant and irrelevant.
Reflection
11:42pm tuesday, 26th april
Its not so much the saying(its the way my dad realized it) progress.
kinghears@hotmail.com
5:46am wednesday, 27th april
beautifully expressed; maybe the thought of our self comes from the initial separation of solar systems.
Anonymous
6:03am wednesday, 27th april
destiny may be our souls desire to express incredibly the unexplainable links we have within this human, dare I say, time-limited existence
Reflection
10:55am wednesday, 27th april
Stand, The word bamboo will mean something right after you read this. Why? because I said so.This is my last post.
Strawberry
9:13pm wednesday, 27th april
Reflection, I'm not Miss. wonderful. Please don't attack me for being honest about my past. I am trying to be a better person than I was and so is Stand. Stand and I mean you no harm. You are our friend. You are you. I can never predict what you are going to write and that is fun.
Reflection