I have been contemplating something. In one sentence: “Be at peace with yourself.” Really, I had never before a couple weeks ago considered this thing, this simple little phrase. It had always been for me, “Be at peace with the world.” You know, a grand thing, something that seems noble at the face of it, and worthy of your attention. To be at peace with yourself — that’s rather like something that one takes for granted, is it not? One of those obvious things that one glosses over. But when I look at it, at them both, those sentiments, I have done all I can to be at peace with the world — and pretty much it has worked out, and me and the world have buried whatever hatchet we may have had in the past — but being at peace with myself, that’s a thinker. I may never have had something like that, the closest having been perhaps zonked out on drugs, and having that artificial serenity, instead. I don’t know where to begin.
Maybe it’s in a one-word phrase, that I remember from my youth, in the 80’s: “Relax.” Maybe it’s not to get worked up about having peace with yourself is where the peace lies. To be satisfied with what you have, what you can do, what you have done, who you are. That, however, seems to me much more difficult a thing than being nice to people, paying my bills, making something of your life, being creative, etc. — what is involved in the “at peace with the world” thing. Is the “at peace with yourself” trick what is reserved for zen masters and the like? For I am afraid of feeling adequate, it would appear, that if I am so satisfied, I will no longer strive for anything. (I do not know where the illusion lies, here, though I am pretty sure I am deluding myself with something.) Maybe I have taken the first step, that I am considering that deceptively simple sentence. “Be at peace with yourself.” Sounds like a good idea, anyway.
reflection
12:40am sunday, 1st may
I said I would'nt put up any other post,but Stand,you are closer to the ultimate truth than you think.It should be gravy from here on out.(for all you all).
Strawberry
2:47am sunday, 1st may
My dad told me a story as a kid. He said that researchers looked at the lives of successful business men, the ones who had set fantastic goals for themselves and then through creativity and hard work started a company from scratch. See, what the study found out was that after a dream was acheived, they weren't happy. Oh, they were for maybe a year or two. But what most of these men did was to then set a new goal and start the striving process all over again. Maybe start a new company. Success was as sweet as it promised to be. It is just, that in order to continue their happiness they had to find a new challenge.
My father was telling me that he and I are like these men, that we both know that we will never retire. I wish to work as hard as I can until the day I die. What my father did was to end his career as a doctor at 66 years and then immediately enroll in an art school. He is very serious about having a second career as an artist, wants to make serious money. He was in class with 18 year olds who knew just as much or more about artistic technique as him. And heck, most of them had been steadily making art since kindergarden. I thought, "Dad knows so much about medicine, why doesn't he become a full time professor at some prestigious college? Share with the young kids what he knows." But obviously what my dad rather do was go from a position of power to one of powerlessness, - from confident, learned and respected to fumbling, discouraged, and unknown. He works long days painting, into the night, drives hours to attend his classes, and he is happy. He sings in the car. Oh, he really does dispair that he produces a lot of crap. All he does is lecture me about color theory and it is obvious that he is having a hard time trying to turn off his scientist's brain. But see, he is trying. The old brain of 66 years wasn't enough, he is trying to make new parts of it work.
There are different personality types. It is no shame if you are an ambitious man Stand, if you love what you have yet want more. I find elusive peace, to occures fleetingly and then disappears with worry and pressures that I create all by myself just for myself. But that is my personality. Sometimes I wish I was different. But different personalities have ways of finding their own trouble.
My fellow Michael is a fountain of happiness, his emotions are very steady, and so, we are unlike. He so enjoys living in the moment, the sky, the dog, the job, and me. Now, when you are at peace with the world in this way you don't want anything to change at all. Once I broke a favorite coffee mug and he was almost in tears, - that coffee mug was a friend who the sight of every morning made him happy. I shrug my shoulders and think that there are a lot of other cool coffe mugs in the world. This living in the moment and loving what you have can get you in a lot of trouble. For instance, my fellow is lousy at judging people or protecting himself from selfish people. Women and bosses have taken advantage of him. It isn't in his nature to get angrey, he is too easy going. He has little ambition to earn more money so when time are lean, he eats one meal a day and gets skinny. He has always lived hand to mouth but get this - he raised as a single father the most beautiful girl. Many in town are in awe of her. She shines with power and light and individuality. She works hard at two jobs and college, and wants to be a police woman or a private investigator. Last Christmas he gave her a big tool set and she was very happy. And yeah, she is blond and has the ectomorph body of a model. My fellow couldn't protect her from some things in life because dreamers and those people who feel a steady emotional peace don't see the wicked world for what it is, when it is wicked. But he loved, really loved his daughter and every day in so many ways they spent peaceful time together. He built her a tree house with working electricity. When he took her to school in the morning first they crossed a lake in a cannoe and then he walked her the rest of the way. Like any teen, she has her insecurities and she is a bit angry at the world. But I know that her poor uneducated father gave her something that my rich educated father could not. I had a nervous breakdown and she will never have a nervous breakdown.
My fellow can raise and nurture a life but he is powerless to save a life. My father has burned with a passion to save lives and he did just that hundreds of times but he was not good at raising and nurturing just one life. My own. I am like my father. I just hope that I am learning good lessons from observing someone who is very different.
Reflection
2:18pm sunday, 1st may
People win the lottery every day.Holding a job is not everything.
Reflection
3:05pm sunday, 1st may
(Strawberry)You have to let go of your family members and concentrate on who you are.(Sometimes your family members are your worst enemies, I know its sad, but its the truth.)It takes alot to let them go, but you have to do it.I'm talking from experience.Once you come out on the otherside, you will be comforted.
Reflection
3:12pm sunday, 1st may
To reach emancipation,IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL.(Only through pure silence and love).
Strawberry
11:33pm sunday, 1st may
Reflection, I was just told two weeks ago by a Reiki master that I had to let go of my family members and concentrate on starting my own family. I told her that I was loyal to my parents and brother and sister and that I would die for them. It was a strange thing to hear coming out of my mouth. So your observation is right on target.
My sister is so meshed with me that she can't remember if childhood incidents happened to her or me. I remember that while I was being bashed late at night in my bedroom I knew my brother and sister were in their beds silently crying for me. It is like all of our personalities were annihilated once during childhood and then once again for me by the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. All that feel good information that is on the internet about how schizoprhenia is genetic and could have started in the womb when the mother caught the flu - yeah, right. The state was ready to take me out of my home but my father was too powerful and they were afraid of insulting him. I tell you, he almost never laid a hand on me. It was all words. It was all subtle mind games. A psychiatrist once told me there are two ways to break an egg, the egg being a symbol for a person's mind. The first is a swift blow, one horrible incident sanity can't deal with. The other way is with water. Put an egg under a faucet that has a slow drip. It may take a long time but all those drops will eventually wear away the egg shell and it will break.
Twice I lived in a homeless shelter rather than live with either of my parents and I am proud of what I did. I also liked it there. I didn't talk much but I watched and listened and my understanding of the world improved a bit. When I post here about my past, I don't just say the same thing again and again. When I tell a story or try to explain something I learn about myself and the way my emotions work, it benefits me. Maybe someone is schizophrenic because they lived through the same things as me and maybe it helps them to read what I write. It isn't easy to write a story. It takes brain work - corrdinated, sane and focused brain work - the exact opposite of everything a schizophrenic brain tempts me to fall for. Why not tell stories about my youth? When I write I discover what I think, usually I don't know at the begining of a post where it will end. Someday I will come out on the other side. But I don't know yet what it will feel like to be comforted. Maybe I'm still young. But I'm glad for you that you know, Reflection.
I'm not the sort who likes to be emancipated. Actually, I get tied up quite a bit. I made a bet with my fellow that you Reflection wouldn't care to respond to my post about the puppy nipping technique, and I lost. So, because Reflection had a soft heart for the poor puppy and posted a comment on H13 I was tied up yesterday for about an hour and painfully fucked. Fun & games. But most of the day I am so much in command of my fate, emancipated from the needs or desires of others, and I exercise so much control over the schizophrenia, that it is a huge relief when I finally can give up control completely. It happens a lot to politicians, I've read that Washington D.C. is a hotbed for dominatrixes because sometimes politicians get sick and tired of all the power they wield and for a short time they would rather be a slave than a leader.
I've read Reflection that you prefer the way of Buddah and this emancipation you speak of sounds like a religious distance from earthly concerns. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you mean more than just emancipation from my parents. I do love things in this world and I love some people greatly. I say it and I show it. I write to you and Stand and the silent lurkers on this website because I wish to be present and real, I write therefore I exist. I am a preformer who tells stories about once being an audience, a silent whitness once to how others spoke and behaved. I value silence because with it I receive information. I am sorry if I have failed to sometimes entertain or provoke you with my thoughts. But given the comments you made several days ago about me, I think I provoked a bit of anger in you. If you were truely emancipated from me (and Stand) you wouldn't get periodically pissed off at what we write, would you. And you Reflection have the power to hurt me with what you write or delight me - so I'm happy to say that I'm not completely emancipated from you either.
Rich
11:51pm thursday, 5th may
Be content with yourself. STRIVE for happiness. For the purpose of life is to be happy.
deb
12:05pm friday, 6th may
Feeling at peace with yourself has nothing to do with feeling adequate. It is in knowing that the universe of possibilities is open to you, and being willing to give yourself the time to take the journey of discovery and transformation.
reflection
Rich