Sure as I have been that I was lost, every single time, it would be when I completely surrendered to whatever forces assailed me that a prevailing wind would direct me back down the way — maybe not where I had wanted to go, but perhaps the way I was meant to. For I may seem at times to be strong, and outwardly project a sense of confidence, but o how many times they were when I could not surmount the workings of the most trivial of fates, and I let things walk over me — because I initially would not let them pass, whereupon they would overcome me. But always, in me a consolation, a solace that there was something greater that was working, here, and the smaller I realized that I was, the larger did I know that thing to be. I remember what the Blessed One said: those who are first will be last, and those who are last will be first: no, I was not that I could hold to such noble things during my sufferings, but when think on it now, I am thankful that I was lost — for it was then I knew the state I had always been in, without realizing how desperate this soul.
reflection
12:54am tuesday, 10th may
Yeah God is such a childish word?
reflection
1:01am tuesday, 10th may
You are lucky I like a cold beer now and then, or else I could go in silence forever.Stand(Kill your computer).Ciao.
Strawberry
3:32am tuesday, 10th may
Stand, kiss your computer.
I'm glad with who I am, and I think that I have been blessed with many gifts, gifts that were a surprise and unasked for.
I had a strange experience. I over hear conversations at a psychosocial rehabilitation center because there are no doors on most of the room. This is to promote feelings of equality between staff and members. Yes, we are members, not patients. So I can't help but learn new things about people. Maybe it is part of my schizophrenia, I "connect the dots" a lot. This illness can make you vulnerable to loose thought associations. If you can control this excessive flexibility then you might make a good writer or artist. But sometimes my brain puts together facts and I come up with conclusions that I don't know what to do with. I wish that the negative emotions of others could pass right through me. I wish that when I see a wrong done that I would not get so angry and repeat the memory so much in my mind.
There is this fellow named Dave who once surprised me by making his voice go as cold as ice. Usually Dave has a happy bounce to his step and he is quick to laugh and kid. But his voice changed when another fellow asked him about his father. Dave said, "My Dad and I don't talk. We have an understanding that he goes his way and I go mine." Maybe he said more, but that was the gist. He really, really, hates his father.
So, recently I hear Dave repremanding a staffer under him. The woman he was talking to is daffy. Think big hair teased and hairsprayed stiff, a big smile, talks a mile a minute, repeats herself, and can get so emotional talking about almost any topic. A pretty good sort of person to be working with the mentally ill. Dave was saying "So Mary, you know everything about computers. What I hear you telling me is that you know everying in the world that there is to know about computers." His voice dripping in sarcasm. I can understand using forms of mental force to make a point or to repell cruelty that is being forced upon you. But I promise, this woman is harmless. I was so sad to hear how he treated her.
Then, just a few days ago Dave was on the phone talking to a mentally ill person. Dave kept repeating "You need to just suck it up." Again, the voice. It was strong, accusitory, and on the attack.
I think Dave is talking to others as his father must have talked to him as a small child. I know that this sounds like psychology 101. What bothers me is that Dave doesn't know himself, and, am I supposed to tell him who he is? I sense that Dave has created himself. He knows the personality that gets him liked and he wears it well. But he also likes to inflict pain upon others. Simple thing for me to do is just ignor him or stay out of his path. Oh, and I heard Dave say that there are "Fifteen people who don't belong here". I wonder if I am on his hit list. Have some mercy, this is a place for fucked up people and the only way you don't belong is if you have done something really bad. With Dave though, who knows what constitutes a threat.
The history books will record that having no secrets and no doors in a facility for the mentally ill is stupid. It does not raise the self-esteem of the client. What happens instead is that our tender heads fear even more the ways of normal people and the normal world.
reflection