Night falls, a test if faith will last the dark, not lose itself in the nothingness.
Night falls, and all the stars show themselves from behind the blue curtain of day.
Night falls, and a hundred candles means romance, while one candle stands for hope.
Night falls, but the moon is sometimes a better companion than the sun.
Night falls, a slow exhale of the inbreath, the accumulations of the daylight hours.
Night falls, a cool blanket of midnight blue that collects in it all who rest from motion.
Night falls, and I discover sometimes I can find myself better in the dark.
Reflection
11:15pm wednesday, 11th may
Song I wrote about 6 or 7 yrs ago. The songs called perfect day. .........There's no nightmares on a perfect day, or falling tears filled with pain. My girl says its so insane, as we laugh our cares away.........................She loves to kiss on a perfect day,she danced her lips on mine,I love to hear her say. I want to run away with you, we'll chase the moonlit sky, all the way..........Her shadow fades by the roadside,down by the graveyard, the ghosts are playing cards until the dawn, but I'm alone with you, and we're a million miles away. Chorus...We've come across a perfect day, oh how long we've wait,so many things to say, another road we'll take. The morning creeps up like the sunshine,The graveyard ghouls have had their fun. We watch mist down by the ocean, a perfect day almost done. Repeat Chorus .
Reflection
11:28pm wednesday, 11th may
Poverty of Love.
Reflection
12:54am thursday, 12th may
I'll be honest with you all, I don't feel I could be content with this world.Have fun!
Strawberry
10:17am friday, 13th may
I can't write like you Stand. I walk through the night at night and see - night. But how I feel on the inside, yes, I sometimes feel like this. I wish that my head was silent more. I used to like to go out at night because the people weren't out with their noisey cars and in the peace I enjoyed looking at their homes and the starry sky above. I know that my medication numbed my mind and took away such energy and the simple impulse to take an evening stroll.
I worry that over the years I have gotten lost, trying so hard to "recover" from mental illness. I tried to meditate yesterday, just to empty out my mind, listen to my breathe, and let the thoughts and sensations go through me, rather than get stuck in my body. I could only do it for about three minutes. But I'll try again today.
I don't ever want to go back to that psychosocial rehabilitation center I've written about, it isn't healthy there. That worker I discribed in the last post - arg, he is just like my Dad! Better that people like him go through me and not get stuck inside my body. Better that I just stay away.
I only feel really really safe in my bed.
Strawberry
10:43am friday, 13th may
Reflection, nice lyrics about pretty love and and the dead ghouls. I once dated a man who had dreamed at night of dead and decaying people every since he was a small boy. It is a strange talent when your mind is always consciously bringing together the extremes of life, "all there is is death. I LOVE MYSELF." I think that you "connect the dots" of meanings behind meanings very well, maybe too well and then you get tortured. What happens to you in your day to make you say, "I don't think I could be content with this world"? Do you see people being cruel or superficial? Do you get tired because you feel alone in being different? As I write this, first thing in the morning, I have a weariness that is strange to have after a nights sleep. I am a loner, and I wonder what I am going to do with my day. I wish I had a friend's house to walk to to drink with her a cup of coffee, fix a bowl of oatmeal for me and my friend, and watch music videos. That would feel really good.
But there is no friend. I have to take my medication, get dressed, walk to the library and work on my lecture titled "schizophrenia and art" that I am giving June 11th at that psychosocial rehabilitation center I've got such mixed feelings about. Once I had friends there but now everyong there just wants you to work to recover. I found out that the new director told staff that they had been too friendly with the mentally ill people and that they must distance themselves emotionally from us, for our own good, so that we can recover. Ha Ha! I wonder if the fact that I busted up my marriage to have an affair with a (former) staff person has anything to do with the new policy!
Strawberry
11:03am friday, 13th may
Arg! I'm not a slut. We get married this January. Yes, I'm not a slut, I'm a princess and that is all that I ever want to be. A princess. Being a princess has nothing to do with money. It is a stately state of mind. Fuck it all, I should just paint a picture of me being a princess lording over all the creatures in the land. Instead I have to write a coherent intellectual lecture for hoped for visitors from the American Museum of Folk Art. I should just fess up to them and say that I am a schizophrenic artist and a wantabe princess. Yeah, a princess in rags. There are so many real princesses today in Gucci and Chanel and Prada that the only place to find a fairytale princess is in a psychosocial rehabilitation center wearing a silk nightgown that she has cut up into a shirt with a pair of jeans from Goodwill. And she does her own fingernail polish and all the toes and nails are chips and her hair is a wild mop on her head. Yeah. I can live with being her.
Reflection
Reflection
Stand