I have times of feast, and times of famine. There are times when the words are just spilling out of me, when the feelings are so intense that they naturally overflow onto the page. Then there are days when I wish not to write at all, when the experience causes me a sort of dull pain, as if I were slowly extracting some part of my lower intestine.... Some days, I feel that this world is far from spent, not anywhere near as dying as some would suppose upon it, and that there are so many things yet to do, and to experience, and that art has a limitless expanse from which to draw upon. Then, on a day like today, I feel as if I am bleeding a dry branch, that it even says in the Bible that there is verily nothing new under the sun (that’s in Ecclesiastes, if you want to know), and I can definitely see that there is wisdom to this saying. But yet, I write — because I must.
I have never had very much discipline in my life. This, this site, and the other now that I have running, is the most I’ve ever had of it, and so, wish dearly not to quit on such a thing. What I emote to you, I suppose, is scratching the most base of what there is of such an endeavor, that I tell you how sometimes it is difficult. But I can add that there are rewards to be had in difficult undertakings. No, they seem not always commensurate with the effort involved, but often, there are more subtle benefits that may not show their articulations in your life in the more obvious ways. If nothing else, these times of famine, properly stored in conscious memory, make you all the more thankful when there be times of feast. And oh, I remember how those times of feast taste, even now: I recall, even knowing what I know, how they seem like they’ll never end.
Reflection
7:33pm sunday, 15th may
Chorus to my new and probably last song. ..............(Will I stand to heal my heart again,.....Will I find a need to pretend. ......Will I stand to heal my heart again,...When I've come to enjoy my space ..........Here alone.)
Reflection
12:35pm monday, 16th may
The Sound of Gold.
Strawberry
1:58pm monday, 16th may
What do you mean Reflection, "probably last song"? Are you suicidal. Are you. You make me furious. You are not alone. But if you want it - you will find it. It will sting and burn in darkness. Fool, Fool, Fool. Write sad songs, go ahead, only, write them and sing them and share them with SOMEBODY. Are you suicidal. Are you. I've been there. It is a place of lies. Reflection, you need your ass kicked.
Strawberry
1:59pm monday, 16th may
I forgot to strike the correct circle. I'm not smiling.
Reflection
4:34pm monday, 16th may
Don't worry ,I've been suicidal everyday,for about 8yrs now.Yes, your right ,why waste eight yrs.
Reflection
2:01am tuesday, 17th may
Joke: ........... The Pope gets off a plane in america to an awaiting limousine.The Pope says "I've never driven a Limo before,give me the keys.Pope goes speeding down the highway over 100mph.Gets pulled over by a cop.....Cop walks up and sees who it is....The Cop doesn't know what to do, so he radios it in to the sheriif. Cop says Sheriff I don't know how to explain this,but I just pulled over a very important person for speeding. Sheriff says "how important is this person, is he more important than me?.Cop says well, yes he is. Sheriff says"well is he more important than the governer?" Cop says yes he is. Sheriff says "well is he more important than the President of the United States?"...Cop says we'll Yes he probably is." Sheriff says "well who is this guy? "....Cop says I don't know, but the Pope's driving him around.
Stand
10:23am tuesday, 17th may
Ha! That's silly. Thanks.
Strawberry
1:48am wednesday, 18th may
No, I don't think, "why waste 8 yrs", I think, "you have been very strong for 8 years and that is amazing." There is something very special about you Reflection. There is something special about you, Stand, and me. They say that with this disease, the longer you hang on, the easier life will become. Statistics show that this is especially true for men - women may get into trouble with schizophrenia later in life when they lose the protective benefits of estrogen. But my friend, a female close to or experiencing menepaus, has noticed her psychotic world retreating. It makes her a little sad, she misses God telling her what the weather is going to be like every day and which people around her are evil. Less drama I guess. Oh yeah, she is also a mother of 3 kids and is an associate professor of literature.....well, she is unusual.
It sucks, but if you are just 51% sure that that you like life, and 49% certain that you are living in hell..... then you keep on living. It is so hard in modern culture to be a man with this illness, women with schizophrenia get perks..... probably we are hated less if we don't work and valued more for the size of our boobs. The way my fellow sees it,(a bit neandrethal)goes like this; if a woman walks into a bar, even a homely woman, if she wants sex that night she is going to find some man who will want to leave the bar with her. But if a man walks into a bar, what are the odds that he can find a woman to go home with and sleep with? (I can't believe my fellow sees the world this way, it is so embarrasing) So, bottom line, is that companionship - of all sorts - is easier for a woman to find than a man. When I was suicidal I remember a lot of lonliness. I do remember being suicidal when I was married though, and as a matter of fact, for about 20 seconds while I was walking from my car to my apartment TODAY I was suicidal. Honest truth. At the time, I said to myself "if this continues you are talking a klonopin" (a nice valium type controled narcotic) But I never took that extra klonopin because the bad feeling went away. I'm lucky. I've healed a lot over the past five years.
Reflection, will you do me the honor of telling me where you live in this huge world? It pleases me to imagine Stand in Korea. I'll go first. I live in Connecticut, USA. That is a well populated state in New England on the upper East coast. My town is about three hours Bus drive from New York City. So there. Now I am a bit more real.
Reflection
5:42pm wednesday, 18th may
The Sunshine State.
Reflection
7:02pm wednesday, 18th may
Strawberry, not to toot my own horn,but I was in a bar once and a girl came up (pretty girl),and asked if she could borrow me for a few hours.Finding a broad isn't the problem. Finding a broad I can see both physically, and mentally, well thats a whole nother pot of crawdads......
Reflection
12:27am thursday, 19th may
Yes Strawberry that did sound childish.
Strawberry
1:37am thursday, 19th may
Thank you! Is that California or Florida? I'm such a nerd! I learned one month ago where the male prostrate gland is, I didn't know shit about male anatomy and had it the wrong size in the wrong place doing the wrong thing....I'm laughing so hard.....my fellow sleeping next to me thinks I'm crying....o.k....he says the Sunshine State is Florida.
I'm glad you have high standards. You don't sound childish, why on earth for? I know that a good man is vulnerable. Anyway, my fellow and I both live in la la land, me from inexperience and him from, just, liking la la land. Bars scare me. Didn't ever know what to talk about, I just, fake being cool. The only bars I like are bars with a dance floor. I used to have about 4 different wigs to wear when I went out dancing. Sometimes wore them during the day. Andy Worhol wore a short blond wig in his later days. I miss wearing wigs. Too old for it, and I just put away the nose ring too. Yes, I am childish. Guess what is in the corner of my room? A giant stuffed Babar elephant! Cloth gold crown, red bow tie, green velvet suit, white tusks....Guess what is in the other corner of my room? A giant stuffed worm! It is about 8 ft long with the words tinkle, crinkle, rattle, squeak embroidered on it and when you squeeze that segment of the worm - it makes just such a sound! You absolutely cannot beat me at being childish. Sorry.
reflection
3:11am thursday, 19th may
Yes you are truly sorry, I can tell.
reflection
3:13am thursday, 19th may
You are tired.Mentally spent.
reflection
3:16am thursday, 19th may
If you want to be funny.(don't turn stands site into loveline.)
Reflection
3:18am thursday, 19th may
Its all really funny.Was she God Or the Devil.It was a good blowjob.
reflection
3:22am thursday, 19th may
Yes its about a block away from main street where I grew up.I'm tired.They got cool bikes there.
reflection
7:01am thursday, 19th may
Ask your pops if he likes charley parker or miles davis.My friends.I'm gonna give you about a month.
Strawberry
3:15am friday, 20th may
I don't think my father has ever listened to either Parker or Davis. He wouldn't know the difference.
Reflection
Strawberry
Stand
Strawberry
Strawberry