Here falls my desire,
upon unread poetries, and
paintings that have never been
brushed. They are
forgeries, all the signatures
of wisdom, all that said
they spoke truth about what was me.
(A thousand sunsets,
and never two the same colors —
yet I cannot say
I have ever written down
what those colors have been.)
I have had the audacity
to ask where were my wings,
to declare that halos
were silver, and not gold,
even when I was in my senses,
even when I could see
that I had lived a fool’s fantasy.
(And so, my rise is my decline,
yet I felt only relief
that I was not shouldered
with the weight of the world,
and humility was only
a great release.)
Do you see me where I stand?
Like so many would-be saints,
I have had good intentions,
but breathing the air
way up there: I rather
that I not be so constantly dizzy,
and find myself awake
cool in the night air,
and say to myself, just a dream.
reflection
3:30am thursday, 19th may
Here it falls,and it fails.
reflection
3:36am thursday, 19th may
ALTHOUGH ONCE VINDICATED!
REFLECTION
3:43am thursday, 19th may
EVEN ONCE YOU COULD UNDERSTAND SCHIZO, IT WILL CONSUME YOU.
reflection
6:54am thursday, 19th may
I've just ? you wouldn't believe it.
Strawberry
3:07am friday, 20th may
Stand, you know that lady I hired to help me in the library, to be my friend and help me start my business and relate to normal people. Well, I've been learning that she is a psychic, and a very powerful one at that. Now I'm in training to be a psychic too and sometimes I get scared.
Is it inappropriate to write about sex and love on your website? I know you write about looking for love Stand. What should my limit be? Have I been embarrassing to myself?
I did my first tarot reading for my fellow's daughter who is 19 and getting married next month. I lay down 7 cards. Never used a deck before. And I told myself that I could use these cards to carry me to the otherworld where the story of their marriage would be told. If I tried hard, using intuition (through ordinary imagination) I started to link together past and future. But this hole I opened to the otherworld, it is hard to shut again. And Stand, I see good and I see bad. For several days I have been carrying these cards around in my head and tommorrow morning I am going to write down on paper the whole story from the otherworld and after this purge I need to shut the door. I have even lately confused my own prenuptual relationship with theirs.
The psychic who I have been visiting is giving me messages from the otherworld, be it an angel or the grandmother who has passed, and, the universe is now cracking open for me. I am learning new properties of time and causality. I asked the psychic for a message for my brother and sister and my grandmother came through and gave them each a personal message. I wrote it down and then later called them. This morning I had breakfast with my father. I said, "If it were possible, would you wish to hear from your mother? She has lately been very vocal." And my Dad's eyes were wet. But I don't know if it was from the memory of his love for his mother or if he had tears in his eyes because he had the sudden thought that the daughter he loves is mentally deranged.
Please, Stand or Reflection, let me do a card reading for you. Ask me a question. I'll try to open that door to the otherworld and give you an answer in the form of a story. I want to test my psychic gift. I barely know you two. I can't tresspass and do a card reading on either one of you without your request, you both have a right to privacy. A little something I learned from that last reading. The "haunting" effect is in part a result of using my gift incorrectly. To keep myself safe, I must be bound by ethics when dealing with the otherworld. I had no right poking around in the affairs of another person just to satisfy my curiosity about their marriage.
Stand
5:07am friday, 20th may
I used to read Tarot, a long time ago. I've quit that, now that I found religion. I, too, have had that feeling that I was contacting that "other world". Turns out that my mind was creating that world, in the final analysis, even though there were several spooky coincidences. Took me a long time to figure that out.
Strawberry
1:50pm friday, 20th may
What is the difference between the Otherworld of Tarot, and the Otherworld of Christianity? Does your religion say the Tarot is bad or evil or destructive to you? I assume Stand that you seek peace and sanity. How will your religion help with this quest better than other methods of contacting a spiritual reality (such as the Tarot).
Were you embarrassed for me, and the way I wrote. Or did the embarrassed feeling come from revealing something about your own past.
Stand
4:15pm friday, 20th may
What Christianity says is that there are forces that make things like Tarot work, but that they come from the dark side, like Darth Vader and the dark side of the Force. What my religion does for me is put me in contact to the light side, namely, one Jesus Christ, in whom was no wrong. This is what I believe. Being in contact with said light has saved me — from insanity, from addiction, from being lost in my soul — and so, it deserves my allegiance. How does it help? In my life, Jesus Christ is real, and everything He has ever been advertised to be. Other "other worlds" may exist, too, but from my experience, they're not all that they're cracked up to be. Not that they won't work for you — they might (though things like Scientology work for people too, and I don't hold that kind of thing in very high regard). But Jesus is the only way that worked for me.
Embarrassment? Where do you get that from? Just relaying some of my history.
Strawberry
2:11am sunday, 22nd may
You are smart Stand, and you are a survivor. I know a bit of the danger of the Tarot already. In respect for you and Christianity, I'm not going to bring further discussion of my adventures with psychic learnings onto this website. If I go mad from it, signs of psychosis will leak out, no matter what I choose to discuss. Yeah, no more about dead grandma talking or my paid friend who speaks to angels. Sensational stuff, but plenty of other things to talk about.
Ah, I thought the green face was embarrassment. Now I see that the purple face is embarrassment. What are the emotions that go along with the green rolleyes? Like, patience that has been stretched too far? Exaspiration. Or nausea. Or trepidition. Or disgruntelment.
I re-read your original post of "Fantasy Life" and I get the feeling that there is more than just rememberance of reality gone bezerk in the poem. It is like your break from reality years ago (or more recent) has left a great trauma and mark upon you. You can't forget. I mean, to cast off a trauma a person can practice "be here now", the emphasis on the present reality rather than the past. Perhaps it does you damage to to writing about places in the mind which you never wish to visit again. I feel in the poem a sad glory of a past that still defines you. If you have found a white light, why not write about the white light.
I wish Stand, that Christianity would heal you a little more. I wish that you would like yourself better and feel an inner glory of self that is neither delusional nor egotistical but merely from love....just for you to know the love of a God who is with you and likes who you are. I was reading a book by Bishop Tutu and he has to meditate every day and do other mental exercises too....... so I guess that Christianity doesn't come natural and easy to even the most highly evolved humans. You have to keep doing the basics. I'm starting to meditate just to clear my mind but I am also trying to send out more love. Just to imagine loving someone, especially in those moments when pride or hurt pride makes me withdraw and silent. Its funny, the new thing is that when I am confused, and don't know what to say or act or feel its always to best choice just to make myself love. Small, lonely, stupid, hopeless and shamful are all states of being that can be stopped if you focus instead on sending out love. I have so many garbage emotions going on inside....sometimes I think maybe love is not an emotion...that it is better than the things that we call emotions. Imagination is a strong thing, and I think that the imagination of a schizophrenic or ex-schizophrenic is always going to be extra strong and extra dynamic. If a schizophrenic chooses to love, I think that they will be very successful at it. All day long I make choices, choices, and choices of behavior. It can get exhausting. See, I am trying to practice the "be here now" and be mindfull of the words that come out of my mouth, the jokes I make, - and I am seeing so much garbage. Language can be so subtle with put downs of self or put downs of others. I'm starting to watch what I say and direct how I feel. It comes back to an increased awareness of my need to love. Of course everyone wants TO BE LOVED, but wouldn't it be funny if our thirst was just as great to send out love, except, we keep denighing ourselves the pleasure. -Cheers
Strawberry
2:18am sunday, 22nd may
I love you Reflection. I love you Stand.
Reflection
1:34am monday, 23rd may
I believe in christianity, not the christianity of popes all vying for the limelight and wearing their fancy clothes and headrobes,etc,etc. I also don't believe in the christianity of bishops,priests, etc, having sex with young boys. Its seems like the church is just a front for a den of wolves,just like the old times.People think if they go to church on sunday,and say a few prayers, they'll be blessed with wealth etc, etc,.There are true good christians out there,but they seem to get lost among the nonsense. Although I believe in christianity, I also can't foresake my thoughts of how a practicing Buddha, can sit and set himself on fire, and burn alive without flinching.From personal experiences, I'm Leaning towards the belief that God(supreme being) is actually a woman.Women have been suppressed for so long,It would be the ultimate joke,and everyone knows God has a sense of humor. (I used to be a roomate with a older friend from work about 10 or so yrs ago.He used to own an occult store,they sold tarots,etc,etc,. He once showed me a certificate that he was sent showing he was a member of some witchcraft ,pagan,organization or religion,I'm not really sure. He was a real nice guy,but I never messed with any of that stuff.I'm curious Strawberry,I've never had my cards read.I went to a psychic church in a town called casadega.(its a small town of about 100 or so psychics.They all live in that little town, and you can go there and have your cards read etc, etc,.Its kinda creepy, but cool.You pay five bucks to go to this church on a thursday night or something, and they have about five psychics there, and they pick you out in the crowd and say something about you for five minutes or so.If you will Strawberry,read my cards..........ps. Yes you are loved.
Reflection
2:09am monday, 23rd may
I'm not really a big fan of poetry,but I gotta tell you Stand, The one you just did (Fantasy Life) is the best I've ever read; from a musician who's been writing songs and playing guitar for about 13yrs, I'm kinda jealous.Its kinda strange, how the best things in life are never seen by the masses?
Reflection
2:44am monday, 23rd may
Oh yeah Strawberry, I forgot to ask a question.Ok, I want you to ask the cards who Reflection is?
Strawberry
10:44pm monday, 23rd may
Good question, Reflection. I hope you don't mind just this once, Stand. I'll do the reading tomorrow morning when I am fresh. It is only a 7 card spread, a simplistic example of past, present and future, and I am using an enochian deck - a lot of angels with weird unpronouncable names and very little detail to each picture. I will do my best but you should know Reflection that I am nuts. There. That excuses all outrageous predictions.
Well, today I went to the hospital and had an x-ray of my insides. I can't filter out pain from my awareness. That's one of the things I noticed about my disease - I don't have the same filters of realtiy that normal people do. I notice too much and then get painfully overwhelmed by stimuli and shut down. I think I've written about having to be blindfolded on long car rides. It's not that I'm a whimp about pain, I'm never afraid, it just that the sensations overwhelm my awareness and one of three things happen - I howl (like a dog), I pass out or I dissasociate and go a bit rigid. Today I started to hyperventilate, sweat, and pass out but then I grabbed onto a nurse's hand and squeezed it really hard and that saved me. Poor kid. The doctor said "Turn to your left" and I said "which side is my left?" And they turned me like a baked potatoe. You see, with pain, no logical thought is possible. When I was 26 I had my tubes tied so that I could never get pregnant because I thought I wouldn't be a good mother. (That's when I howled a bit in recovery, and I remember the nurses telling all the nervous patients there that I was just having a nervous breakdown...The guy that I was with went to the bathroom and threw up. (smiles)) It was so hard to take care of myself, I was so sick and felt so helpless, feeble, and unworthy........ now I wonder how much the medical community had convinced me to see myself that way...as well as the guy I was with. Well, why I volunteered to mutilate myself could be a several page essay. Concerning today, the x-ray was to see if I could be rebuilt by surgery and maybe have a child. The answer, Yes! I remember that Reflection said that he would never want to bring a child into this three ring circus of a world. Well, honestly, I have never met a man that I trusted enough to have a child with. Until now. Suddenly, after years of being schizophrenic, I just want to be human and have a family of my own. I've got a savings account - the money came to me in a strange way, totaly unexpected, so why not spend it on trying to have a kid? I can pay for my own surgery. (All five hours of it and two days in the hospital after! Oh, I hope there won't be much howling!)I was going to use my savings to remodel a barn into a loft apartment. I spent a bit buying clothes and jewlery on the internet. A Prada necklace. Thank goodness I never bid on that fur coat on ebay....But the material world is cold......I'd rather have a warm baby in my arms with someone I trust to stand by us and love us for a long long time to come.
So now, I am careful to never say never. I am also going to be careful to stop shopping for goodies on the internet or anywhere else....because if I can't conceive in the next few years (I'm 37) I want enough money in my savings account to adopt a baby from Luthuania. I'm half Lithuanian. So. I'm on a mission to be a mom.
Strawberry
10:47pm monday, 23rd may
Oh, and my fellow absolutely believes God is a woman. And he can see her in his head and he says that she is very sexy.
Reflection
12:10am tuesday, 24th may
Of course she's sexy.Don't spread this around,but she has a oriental flavor.
reflection
Stand
Stand