I have had a sort of inertia, lately. Last month, near the end, I quit the job I had been working, as a programmer here in Korea. They weren’t paying me enough — about one quarter of what I had been earning in the US. I started doing a project of my own, right after that, a commercial venture using Amazon web services, and I was doing it at a good clip for three weeks, but last week — I dunno, I hit sort of a wall. Got a little done Monday and Tuesday, but practically nothing for the rest of the week. I do recall I have had this happen to me before, but for the life of me I can’t remember how I shook it off times previous. Not quite depression, just kind of a bleah, don’t want to do anything (useful). Maybe it just takes a little forcing myself to be productive — it’s that rest friction, which is greater than friction of motion. Yeah, I’ll get over it. Weighed down as if by the air itself, I know, though, there will be times when I will feel as if I were going to float off, when this feeling of now heaviness can scarcely be brought to mind; time is funny that way.
Reflection
12:20am tuesday, 24th may
What do you want to do when your 90?Do it today, imagine how much wisdom you will have when your 90?
reflection
12:26am tuesday, 24th may
Enlightenment in two sentences.You just gotta have faith.(Thats the hard part).Thats an original.
Strawberry
3:19pm tuesday, 24th may
Be careful Stand about isolating. I find that people give me energy. If I spend too much time alone (even doing work I love) I become lost, listless, and my thoughts in my head go round and round and round. I'm glad though that you gave us a peek into your private life. You took a big chance quiting the job, even if the pay sucked. I'd be scared. But you have talent and I give you five golden stars for trying something new. Most men I meet would love to be their own boss.
Reflection, here is your reading.
In the far past of your youth you knew both love and violence. There was a force of kindness and nurturing in your life which was ripped away from you. From that one event you learned some basic life lessons that you hold onto even today. When love is ripped away from us we become scared of everything in life. A fear that is behind almost every word that comes out of our mouth.
In the near past, as you changed from child to man, your luck did not go the way you wished. You have not become the person that you wished to be, and it is very frustrating to be able to see greatness and appreciate it but not be able to touch it. Some of the things that you longed for as a child were never realized and this has made you bitter and rejecting. "I'll fuck you before you can fuck with me" is the way you talk to people. You have had a string of bad relationships with both men and women. Some of them took advantage of you, they took what you kindly offered and used it for their own profit.
Presently, you have discovered a source of happiness. This happiness helps to heal the wounds of your past, it helps you to forget. This source of happiness is an earthly action, behavior or work. You enjoy the sunshine and being outdoors is good for you, if you are tempted, then by all means you should have a sexual relationship or go and play for a long time outdoors.
There are several present obsticals to your future, which I promise, is both fair and bright. First, you want to be king. You have aimed too high at your purpose in life and now, from suffering defeat, you feel alone and empty, and you are ready to give up on your future. Secondly, you are mistaken about the qualities that you think it takes to be a "man" or "good". You are feeling smaller and more insignificant than you really are.
Strawberry
3:34pm tuesday, 24th may
Reflection, your reading continues.
Presently, it is your instict and gut feeling that you can create beauty to share with others. This beauty will then reflect on you and your own nature - you hope that what you surround yourself with will give you a glow. You very much wish that others would like you, although it is a bit frustrating for you to be a chameleon and change your nature for approval again and again. Drink makes you happy and it gives the world a glow, it makes your dreams seem nearer and within grasp. Be careful of illusion, learn to separate out what is real and not real. Take a clever look at both reality and the people around you.
In the near future, you are going to get the chance to be "the real you". Your mind will heal a bit and you will fall into step with people who are like you and can both accept and appreciate you. You will see something beautiful and it will warm you inside instead of making you feel jealous and incomplete. Perhaps you will make a new friend or lover. You are not yet mature, no matter your age and what you think, but when you do attain the feeling of being real, solid, and mature, afterwards peace will follow.
Ultimately, when the time is right and you are ready, you will get the chance to prove yourself. You will be successful. You will claim your birthright and feel alive and secure. Time will move faster with success (be careful to pace yourself), and finally, you will feel like an ordianary man who is good. The goal of your life is to be able to look up into the sky and feel like you own it. The goal of your life is to be able to bend fire and not be consumed by it. Your future is more simple and pleasant and full than you currently can envision.
Sincerely, Karen Blair
Reflection
8:58pm tuesday, 24th may
I just want to go back to the divine, serene silence, I've visited. (Being Kings no fun anyway.)Thankyou for the reading.(it didn't sound like it came from a crazy person).
bart
11:25pm tuesday, 24th may
Hi stand, I'm doing better now.You have to see what work can mean to you.The potential you have, I'm sure of that.
Me, after years of lonely sickness and isolation just found a great job.( Belgian introduction of a Dutch company that is similar to all-American circadian.com )
go for your projects whatever it is, Guys like you make things better !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stand
8:47am wednesday, 25th may
Hey, bart. Glad to have you back.
Reflection
11:41pm thursday, 26th may
Tell the cards I'm death.
Reflection
11:48pm thursday, 26th may
I'm tired of fuckin with you all, You're all a bunch of ego maniacs.
Reflection
12:53am friday, 27th may
I've stood face to face with the devil,and after that I saw a big light, but the light was from the same place. Just go to sxdx.net.
reflection
12:59am friday, 27th may
I'm sorry sxdx.com. not net. The only reason I'm doing this is because I feel sorry for you.But let me warn you, once your eyes are open, troubles will get worse. I lived for about 3 yrs costantly thinking of suicide, I'm almost totally gray, my pops has about a quarter gray. Once you start asking questions answers will come. Use your crazy minds. SXDX.com
Reflection
Reflection
Stand