I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ve been going through an endorphin roller coaster of late. Or perhaps I shouldn’t blame it all on the chemicals, no? But it seems to me that such little things will build in me that make it seem like the end of the world is nigh, though other little things will make it all right as rain again. It was just that maybe Sunday was a bad day, but if you took pieces of it, all that you might find would be merely minor annoyances; but perhaps such things build in a psyche like me to an inordinate magnitude. Really, though — I look back and find it ridiculous that I should wake up so despondent Monday morning (actually, early afternoon). And perhaps one detail: I find it equally ridiculous that just taking a nice long walk would make things all okay again, as if the former had passed away, and I breathed in a new heaven, and stood on a new earth.
I am reminded of an old 80’s song, by the group Men At Work: “Overkill”. “I can’t get to sleep / I think about the implications / Of diving in too deep / And possibly the complications / Especially at night / I worry over situations / I know will be alright / It’s just overkill” — that’s the theme to madness, is it not? Though perhaps it’s merely a neurosis in me now, not quite so severe as all that. And if I think on it, little things can build up in even the sanest of souls, and they burst, too, if tipped past the breaking point. Perhaps I am fortunate, after all, to know that I can survive right on through being broken, that there is healing even when the situation is beyond dire. The lesson: we make do with what we have, and we all have gifts. Sometimes the ability just to hang on, white-knuckle it through the night — for we know enough what happens if you let go like that.
Webster
7:48pm tuesday, 31st may
Perspective of the world is so individualized because of our unique experiences and perceptions. For so many years, I had an angry, fatalistic, dour sense of the world because of my experiences which colored my perceptions. No one could convince me otherwise, because this was the culmination of my experiences; my own unique individualized perception. For years I used substances to make the world appear better. Substance abuse is so insidious because it is so self destructive while giving the illusion of great comfort. My good friend once asked me this question. "Would you willingly rip your fingernails into your flesh until often times you bleed?" I of course answered,"No". "Well, my friend continued, that is exactly what you do when you scratch an itch; the only difference is that it feels so damned good." This, I believe is the litany for substance abuse because the craving for the substance and the relief that it brings is like the itch that masks the destruction.
I know what it is like to come back from being broken too. I read your site often and can recognize the angry outlook of the world from Reflection. I know from my own experiences, that he cannot help or change this perception of the world because it is uniquely his experience.
I wonder Reflection, are you getting help? Do you take medication? Does it help you at all? Substance abuse takes away all the theraputic effects of medication. I hope that you are not using them to excess.
The expressions in writing are such a window into the essence of a person so much more so than speech. From your writings Strawberry, I feel to have come to know you as warm, articulate, intelligent and most of all a sensitive person. I hope that your sensitivity does not silence your voice. I have enjoyed your postings.
Stand, may it help today with your mood and outlook to know that your work here has been meaningful to so many of us. You truly do have many gifts.
reflection
10:13am thursday, 2nd june
"People in the world cannot identify their own mind. They believe that what they see, or hear, or feel, or know, is mind.They are blocked by the visual, the auditory, the tactile, and the mental, so thay cannot see the brilliant spirit of their original mind."
Reflection
9:34pm friday, 3rd june
I figured I wouldn't get any replies on that one.
Reflection
12:20am saturday, 4th june
You can't teach a persons heart.Maybe I am King.Wouldn't that be funny.Huh Strawbery.
Stand
4:08am saturday, 4th june
Hey Reflection. Strawberry's on a little break — did you read her last post? She said she'd be back, though.
nikita
4:51pm saturday, 4th june
you can be you own reflection but don't expect others to be your reflection.
reflection
5:49pm sunday, 5th june
Trust me Nikita, you would,nt want to be my reflection.Smart Ass.
Webster
Stand
nikita