They are all still there, all my old regrets, every place where I failed. I need only shake the tree of memory, and they tumble down. If I think on them, it is sometimes like they have just happened, that it was just hours ago when I forgot to do something or did something wrong, whether it was on purpose or if it was just an accidental blunder. They seem all out of proportion too, how I still feel about them, for the wrongdoings that were the most horrible to the general moral eye hurt me not so much as some where the mistake was just an unfortunate slip of the mind. We may reap what we sow, but do not expect the crop to be the same size as the seeds we planted, I guess the message would be. Time, it would seem, does not heal everything. Or are these not wounds, at all? Lessons, perhaps? That I forget not these my errors that they be fresh on my mind at all times, lest I commit them again? Except they hit me at the strangest times, when I am sitting quietly, at peace with everything....
reflection
6:34pm sunday, 5th june
My last name is Hentz.Pronounced Hints. No Lie.
Webster
3:39am tuesday, 7th june
A grief counselor once told me to never expect total resolution from the pain, guilt, regrets, losses and sorrows resulting from life. I was told that these sorrows never really heal but instead become incorporated into the fiber of the self. In other words, we simply learn to live with the grief. This explanation may explain why these feelings really never go away but instead come out of nowhere at the most unexpected moments. Maybe that is because they are truly a part of us, tucked away in our psyche coexisting with us at all times; even in our happiest moments.
I never liked playing the mind games during group sessions. One memorable session consisted of the leader asking each member to sit in the hot seat and confess to the group the worst thing that they ever had done in their lives. After their confession, each member voted on the honesty of the person in the hot seat; if they were in fact being totally honest or "coping out." I remember taking my turn in the hot seat feeling totally humiliated and not able to admit to the group the worst thing I had done; instead confessing some minor offense. Ironically, the group members believed I was being honest thinking I was incapable of worse.
They say confession is good for the soul, but I cannot confess other than to the Almighty and ask for forgiveness for my weaknesses and imperfections. Since He is all knowing, He is probably aware of them all anyway.
Reflection
11:33pm tuesday, 7th june
Yeah God Is all knowing, but you can still get pissed off at God.
reflection