I am a movement captured by an ephemeral form:
always seeking flight, but also rest and refuge in gravity:
meaning everything and nothing in every word I say.
Reflection
9:10pm thursday, 16th june
Yes, although there is a door.
reflection
9:22pm thursday, 16th june
Let me put to rest all the horseshit of people commiting murders because voices told them to.
reflection
10:15pm thursday, 16th june
I take back the saying that I am a Buddha. I don't believe you can ever stop teaching.
reflection
10:30pm thursday, 16th june
Before I start flooding your board.I want you to riddle me this.If a heart and computer mixes, what happens?
reflection
11:34pm thursday, 16th june
Well if you can't help me.
Strawberry
1:55pm friday, 17th june
Reflection - If a heart and a computer mix, then the computer helps the heart to be a better heart. Because the heart will always win in a contest. And the way of the heart is not just to win, but to overcome and transform the opponent. When a heart and a computer mix there is no power struggle. Because next to a heart, a computer is either nothing or something, and if it is to be something, then it will have to borrow form and proceedure from the heart. I give you H13 as an example of the truth of what happens when a heart and a computer mix.
Webster, ignor what others say about your writing. Maybe your hard edges are like the cut fascetts of a diamond and make the prose glitter. In your writing you seem to give all of yourself, mind and emotion. I preceive no lack of either. The most amazing thing is that you CAN write. When I first got sick with this illness I lost the ability to both read and write for about two years. It then took another year of effort, wanting to relearn the skills. Before my illness I read Plato, Emmanual Kant and Descartes in school and wrote great term papers about their ideas. After I lost my ability to read, after an absence of several years, the first book I read was "Rock Star" by Daniell Steel. That book was a big deal. After my illness something strange happened to the style of my writing too. I remember accompanying my friend to a college library where she was studying for her degree. (I had already learned, through failure, that I was too sick to finish school.) At the library I looked through a book on autism. This book had four writing samples from low functioning to high functioning autistics. The forth sample was exactly my new style. I couldn't find anything wrong with it, and in fact, I found it refreshingly clear, clean, and peaceful. Stand and Reflection have their own writing styles too. And I would break my own finger before I would try to get either of them to change.
I don't know what is going on when people hear voices. I do know that every person has within themselves the ability to imagine extremes, but very few can be pushed across the line from imagination to action. I mean, I have to agree with Freud in that "civilization" is a real psychological process that creates walls within the self, walls that separate and contain and hide parts of our psychi, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse.
I have a book that is very, very important to me and I have relied upon it to teach me the basics about the Otherworld. It's pretty intellectual, and I mean that as a compliment. The writers are British. The title is "Walkers Between the Worlds"...The Western Mysteries from Shaman to Magus., by Caitlin and John Matthews, published by Inner Traditions International. Aparently, if you take a historical view to religion, there has always been an abundance of warnings about "opening the door", as Reflection, correctly implies. There are warnings about how easily the power over there can overwhelm and corrupt a person over here. Two weeks ago I did an exercize called "pathworking", where my friend helped me visualize walking a path into the otherworld to obtain information there. This information was given primarily through visual imagry - my personal favorite most primitive part of brain functioning. I, can't tell you what I saw and what happened. Let's just say it was beautiful, precious, and frightening, and I am so very glad that I did not do it alone. I am not strong enough to go to such places alone.
The small booklet that came with my tarot deck of enochian cards had a strong warning against pathworking. The two writers of the text are currently alive and they both have Ph.d's in psychology. They say, "It is important to note that there are dangers here as well. Pathworking, if done effectively, assumes out-of-body experiences that are not always entirely safe.... Probably the chief danger is an inflated ego. This sometimes leads to delusions of grandure associated with egomania. A second danger is that the magic itself seeks to change the personality. The goal is enlightenment in some form, and this always implies changes to the personality. Hopefully, these changes will be for the better, but any degree of egomania can cause undesireable changes to the personality, which would require therapy to correct. (For details about possible death or insanity resulting from pathworking, see Appendix C of "The Enochian Workbook".)
To be clear; meditation is NOT the same as pathworking. When I meditate (and it is hard, just like lifting weights, and so, I avoid it a bit), when I meditate I seek only to clear my mind and be in the now. I do not seek to contact anything from the otherworld. I only seek to clear my mind of clutter (both thoughts and visuals) and be in the now. I often start by focusing on my breathing. A single word, said as a mantra, helps me too because I am so unused to quiet and peace, that it is more familiar to me to make a little noise. As a matter of fact, I will make it my goal to meditate today.
Strawberry
2:01pm friday, 17th june
Stand - Bishop Tutu said that when he "meditates" sometimes he likes to imagine himself in the audience as Christ is talking...... This is actually a form of pathworking that a respected Christian uses... I can find the exact Tutu quote in his book if you would like me to.
Stand
4:46pm friday, 17th june
I'm a horrible failure at meditation. The closest I get is half hour spurts of prayer. But that usually works for me to quiet my soul.
Webster
2:09am sunday, 19th june
I think that Reflection poses the most profound questions. To unite a computer which has a cold technoligical basis, with a heart that is the symbol of warmth, emotion and humanity seems unimaginable. But this is exactly what happens when we use this cold technoligical wonder to express our warmth and emotions. We humanize the technology by giving it heart.
Thank you Strawberry for your encouraging words on my writing. In my youth I had wanted to become a scientist and read and wrote mostly scientific data. I have a tendency to still want to analyze situations by statistical data and percentages, but mostly find that life does not usually add up like it does in a laboratory.
Stand, It sounds from your writing like you are drifting between realms of existence; shifting directions captured in brief moments, free floating and digressing in space and time. It is apparent from your recent past posts that you have been rather sad. I know that during these times there is an increased vulnerabilty to relapse. Do you have the resources and help that you need? Do you have someone or maybe a professional to talk with that understands? My thoughts and prayers have been with you as I hope this phase passes.
Strawberry
4:27am sunday, 19th june
Its our nature to relapse. If your schizophrenic, I mean. The question only is; how long does it last and how much damage do we do during a relapse.
i'm moving at the end of the month and don't know where I'm going. Very stressful. So, two nights ago I'm in bed yelling (not too loudly) that I want to die, to cut myself, that I hated myself, I was a piece of crap human being, worthless, etc. My fellow held me and I didn't struggle much, just, said outragious things in the direction of the wall. I took some medication, got doped, and then watched the comedy movie "Hitch" while my fellow slept.
Meltdown lasted 15 or 20 minutes. Damage done; tired out my fellow but minimal because 1) I took my bedtime meds and 2) I made the choice not to leave the circle of arms I had around me. Damage also minimal because all my fury and hatred and black thoughts were directed toward me and not taken out on the innocent, nice guy who happened to be in the room.
The trick isn't just to prevent relapse. The important question is; how can I relapse and keep everything of value in my life intact for me when I return?
Strawberry
4:29am sunday, 19th june
Love to Stand, Reflection, and Webster. I drank one beer tonight.
Reflection
Stand
Strawberry