Another informal entry. Work is going swimmingly, but then, after my breakthrough in 1997, work has never been a problem. I mean never — even when I still had (minor) hallucinations while work was happening, I never lost a grip on how to get things done. It’s the female situation that always gives me trouble. I suppose it could be otherwise, and perhaps that other way around would be prove more troublesome (after all, making a living is a bit higher on the list than the success of mating rituals), but ever since I have had the mental condition, very little have I been in any kind of relationship that was not platonic. I’m supposing that could be the trouble, as the human interaction thing is something more based on experience (if one does not have natural charm, as I don’t), and the work thing is more application of cognitive ability. I dunno. Maybe it’s not the condition at all; maybe it’s just me. Never had the luck with the ladies, and never could pin down exactly why. This is my lot, I guess. And things could always be worse. (I’ll have to keep repeating that to myself.)
Reflection
10:20pm wednesday, 3rd august
A diamond is a girls best friend.I know it sounds cliche, but its true.(Off the subject, being that you lived in the United States(whatever that means), do you still look at the world from an american point of view,now that you live in korea.Do you watch american tv, etc, etc, ?,
reflection
10:31pm wednesday, 3rd august
Stand, ain't it funny how a person with schizophrenia can work amongst , THE NORMAL PEOPLE.I've been working for yrs, not telling my co workers,and I gotta sometimes laugh at the trivial things that bother them.If they only had a clue.Then again, maybe they're more fucked up than me,and the jokes on me.
Strawberry
1:04am thursday, 4th august
Am I like the normal people? What do you think would happen to me if I went to work among the normal people? Would I have to change much about me to fit in?
Stand, I once joined a church and was planning to go eventually on church sponsored single outings - but I met my husband, and instead joined a women's group. A Christian girl might have a view of life similar to yours. I mean, she would care about the spirit and the mind, and isn't that what you have best to offer? People who like hiking join hiking clubs and people who like books join book and writing clubs....
What are the trivial things that bother normal people?
Reflection
1:32am thursday, 4th august
Trivial things like spending christmas eve in a nut ward,because you cut your wrist, not because it was christmas, but because I was tired of living(Is that a real word) in this fucking game.If I was God I wouldn't claim this creation of man and woman for myself. Who would?
Stand
2:22am thursday, 4th august
Reflection: Yes, I watch American shows on cable and satellite TV (I have both), Hollywood movies with Korean subtitles. All my friends speak English. It's funny: in America, I'm Korean, and in Korea, I'm American. I miss Taco Bell.
Strawberry: Unless you're like talking to the walls, people generally can't tell you're not "normal". It usually takes an enormous deviation for people to notice. Probably because they don't really care that much about you.
Trivial things that bother normal people? Traffic jams, getting caught in the rain without an umbrella, dropping your sandwich on the ground... is that what you're talking about?
Reflection
5:31am thursday, 4th august
Its geting too personal.It was saved for the club.
reflection
5:38am thursday, 4th august
Strawberry will help us.
reflection
5:45am thursday, 4th august
I want to give you my music,Give me your Po box. Kisssucks@musician.org
Strawberry
1:15pm thursday, 4th august
We are here without faces. No body language, no voice, no music, no diamonds........ it is a fine place to be honest and personal.
How can a person email music?
A week ago there was a parade down Main Street. The next day Mike and I were walking and he bent down and picked up two pieces of candy out of the gutter. He took off the wrappers and ate them. Yuk. I wondered who was watching. And I remember my Dad explaining why we should just scrape mold off bread and eat it because the mold won't hurt us because people make penicillian out of mold. If I were sick and humorless then a dropped sandwich would piss me off. But normally, I'd laugh.
I don't think that normal people understand how much emotional stress warps the way they experience the world. I recently read a simple explaination of mental health - the healthy mind is flexible, the sick mind is ridgid. When I am weak and overwhelmed by my illness I become obsessessed with how things "ought to be". I amaze myself, remembering all the wonderful things I will ignor and minimize just because one picky thing isn't the way "it ought to be". Come to think of it, one of the reasons I thought once to commit suicide was because I myself was not "the way a human being ought to exist" (as a person with a defective brain). At the time I thought it was simple self hatred.
I believe that self hatred is ridgid.
reflection
4:58pm thursday, 4th august
Stand. I'd like to live in a small chinese village by the ocean, with old customs and fears.That would be cool.
Strawberry
3:06am sunday, 7th august
I have to go away for two weeks. No internet where I'll be staying, so can't read or post. Mom is suffering from the emotional consequences of her rape (see post last March or April). Now I get to pay her back for all the support she gave me when I was institutionalized. She would visit and give me a back rub! That really pissed the doctors off. They thought it "inappropriate". One hug before a visitor left, that was all we were supposed to be allowed. And I remember before that when I was going to college in NYC I'd have these anxiety attacks and call her and she would hop on a bus and be in the city in three hours. It's ironic, but I'm her only kid that can drop everything and simply be by her side. Bye, all.
Stand. I'd like to live in England near Stonehenge. The power in the earth there would affect my brain. I think for the better.
Reflection
Stand