I think too much on dreaming. For I have lived in my head for many years; it is an easy fallback position for me. The computer, too, is a surrogate for reality. I am struck how after spending hours in front of a screen, looking at everything through a glassy portal, how when I go to the corner store, how exposed everything seems, how bare is the skin of the cashier. That which is out there, the solid, real stuff: dreaming can be a way of avoiding the sharp edges of life; and the virtual world is somewhere else, entirely, and one can get lost there, too. These things are not what is meant by the directive “carpe diem” — to seize the day; the modern world has devised many ways to avoid the day altogether, to become fully involved in surrogates of experience. If I consider it, I should perhaps talk to more people, for this is more to the meat of tasting what life has to offer. It could be that simple. And perhaps wonder about myself five less minutes in a day....
Reflection
4:46pm wednesday, 31st august
I love the American way.Everyone comes together after a great catastrophe, like New Orleans.Then once everythings allright, then everyone goes back to fuckin each other in the ass.
reflection
4:52pm wednesday, 31st august
To all schizophrenics. Whats scarier, dying or losing your mind?
reflection
6:28pm wednesday, 31st august
I'm sorry, as we all know, losing your mind is more scarier."fight for your mind".
reflection
6:40pm wednesday, 31st august
Brothers and sisters, we are getting closer to the truth.
reflection
7:40pm wednesday, 31st august
I remember being 12 yrs old and feelin melancolie.I wanted to just live. Being a surfer I just looked to the mainland as trouble.
Rerflection
8:05pm wednesday, 31st august
Speak for you soul.
Strawberry
2:44am friday, 2nd september
I like the idea of the guy I love having sex with another guy.
Strawberry
2:55am friday, 2nd september
Losing my mind wasn't scary. I lived. What was scary was when the put drugs in me and showed me how much society hated me with a mentally ill mind. My choice was be sane and be loved or be insane and be left alone. That's why I take my medication.
Insanity is so intense, that the pleasures and the pains of it are multiplied to the point where it can be difficult to bear. You are consumed. But you are alive, and you are you in your natural state.
Right now I am a cyborg. Designer chemicals have shut down parts of my brain and stimulated other parts of my brain. I do believe that diseased brain tissue has made parts of my brain inoperatable. If I were in my natural, human state my brain would be unusable for either society or the appetites of my soul.
I am cyborg because my natural consciousness has been augmented by a scientific, chemical process. I did not chose insanity because I take drugs to dull and control that state. But I did not chose life either, becasue a part of me died when it was altered by the drugs that control the insanity. I live, but I do not live as ME. I live as a hybrid of ME + drugs.
Strawberry
2:09pm friday, 2nd september
Stand, when I am depressed or sad Mike will say to me "Why don't you check out what is going on on H13". He knows that reading you changes my mood. Always for the better.
I can't bear too much reality. That is why I am withdrawn from the world. That is why I am an artist. There is no fault in this. It is simply how the disease has re-ordered my mind. I once said to a normal that I can't take the beauty of the woods for two long. He was astonished. How could a beautiful thing do anything else but heal? And I said that a walk through nature is good at first but then it turns into pain and I have to leave and return to the silence of an empty room. Then, after a long time in an empty room, I experience the same intensity of the ordinary when I go out to places with people. I don't know how the internet does it, but it can help me to feel less lonely. So can reading a book, and becoming lost in the fantasy of science fiction or a detective novel.
Of course I have Mike, and maybe that is what helps the most.
Reflection
Strawberry