I am scarred by tattoos I wear on the inside. They are just as indelible as the ones you wear on the surface of the skin, only that I may really know that they are there, trace their patterns in my mind. These are the markings in my soul that either I made in my desperation to get out of myself, or that the ghosts within me scratched upon my essence. I have images of the Great Spirit, and other gods and heroes — their autographs signed within me. I have sigils left by the Devil, and the Archangels Micha-el, Gabri-el, and Rapha-el; and I wonder what the strange shapes signify. Some are marks of love, others warnings brought out from anger and revenge, and no two would ever go together except that they both happened to me in some way. And there, too, are scribbles written in blood, that I sometimes wonder what they portend, or if they really meant nothing at all, just that in the Treasure Hunt, you always have to leave some blood behind.
Anonymous
11:29pm friday, 16th september
myspace.com/rosaknows.........It takes a couple seconds for the songs to load up.Tell me if it works.
Webster
11:27pm saturday, 17th september
How creative to envision the inner imprint left behind by the madness as a tatoo. I have always thought of it only as a scar. A tatoo, however in some circles is considered a work of art. The madness can encompass incredible creative energy that mimics artfulness; the intensity, schemes and images. These inner markings never leave.
It has been a considerable amount of time since I have been able to write. My dream is to someday have my own new computer and not have to rely on anyone else. This computer is old and sometimes will fail to go on line for days, even weeks. I am not that computer savvy and don't really know if it is the computer that is at fault, or me.
Catching up on all the reading and am again amazed at the profoundness of all of you. One past post about having to learn for yourself and not heed forewarning of the dangers that lurk about reminded me of this incident. Years ago there was a six year old child in my neighborhood who ignited gasoline with a match because he had been told how dangerous this combination was and needed to experience the results firsthand. Fortunately, after causing quite a scene, no one was injured. I always saw this episode as a culmination of a driving force of human nature that is innate, that one must experience life first hand without reliance on anyone elses prior experiences. Somehow, there is the need to experience life in spite of the danger. Possibly, if this drive were not present, one generation would not differentiate itself from the next. Perhaps this is the driving force of progress.
Again I am amazed that you all attempt to define love. I do not dare to try. I have learned what love is not and maybe this knowlege is the testing ground to know what love is. I still have hope.
I too can get lost in cyber-space, reading and solitude. I can spend endless hours at my job. Strange that while in the hospital, those who could focus on reading, or any particular project recovered faster than those without this ability. Yet, at other times that same ability to substitute and withdraw from reality can go so astray.
I once knew someone who spent days of his life on the computer believing that he could locate his "secret file" and eliminate the source of his illness. He was older and became ill at a time years ago when doctors believed in the concept of schizophrenic-genic. This is the concept that those around you, especially your family of origin, with particular emphasis on the mother caused your illness. The family had been so devasted by the constant barrage of these accusations and as a result had limited contact. No one really knows what causes it, but everyone knows what family interactions make it better and which ones make it worse.
I too read about Professor Nash after seeing the movie. My doctor gave me a book to which I often refer. I was told that this book was the most current and contemporary source of information. This book lists the condition, Brief Psychotic Disorder, as psychosis lasting at the very least one day, but totalling resolving within one month. A total and complete resolution of symptoms and return to the previous level of functioning occurs without future psychosis or deterioration. This condition is thought to be different from schizophrenia because of its short duration and lack of deterioration. If however, the symptoms are present after six months, then a diagnosis of schizophrenia is determined. The book also states that,"it has long been known that single episodes of brief duration tend to be followed by full recovery without future psychosis."
This book is entitled, "The Patient with Schizophrenia" written by Henry A. Nasrallah, MD. If any of you are interested, there are lists of what factors determine a favorable outcome versus an outcome not as favorable. The book also chronicles the progressive nature of the illness. The good news is that it is not progressive as in the initial stages and tends to level off in mid-years.
I have also in the past gone on the website Healthy Place.com. They have some fascinating personality tests although at times the drug companies use this site as an opportunity to advertise.
Goodbye and good wishes from my side of the computer.
Anonymous