I’m in a little bit of a funk, and I don’t know why. I think it might have started when my father went back home from one of his semi-yearly trips here to Korea. As I’ve related to you, when he was here, he was hell-bent on setting me up with someone before the year was out. He did not succeed, as you might have guessed. And now that he’s not here any more, that pressure has been lifted — but it’s as if the release of the constant burden of (mostly horrible) blind dates has exposed in my soul an empty spot I had before filled in with other things. Now that there’s a social habit that I was (almost) forced to assume, now that I no longer have to go through such motions, my insides at this point seek it out, and I do not have anything for these social artifices to solace upon, however lackluster they had fed upon in the past. So, hm, perhaps I do know why I am in such a state of sunken heart. It’s my addictive personality, which I had not counted on, not for this, but which mark I recognize: yet another unbearable lightness of being that I need deal with.
If you don’t know of what I reference, in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera describes citizens who had fled the communist state of Czechoslovakia and, having no oppression constantly overbearing upon their souls, felt a lightness to their existence that was, well, rather unbearable to feel. The obvious such feeling I’ve had was when I was trying unsuccessfully to quit drugs. I remember not feeling as solid when I came down from the highs, ironically enough. Only when I found Jesus did I have a viable substitute for them, and that still meant many times when I relapsed back to the euphorics of intoxication. Some recovered madpeople, as I have mentioned before, feel such lightness coming down from seraphic power trips, down to the everyday. And so, thus goes my rather mundane problem, which I am sure is magnified to a degree by whatever little madness I have yet running through my veins. But it helps, at least, to write about it. Let it not silently gnaw at me....
reflection
9:38pm thursday, 29th december
Funkness, a new word?Elaborate Stand.
reflection
5:29am sunday, 1st january
When you get a straight punch to the kisser, and walk away.Then you know a b chord, after t chord.
reflection