What is growing up? As my old high school teacher said, “Happens to the best of us.” And right now, I feel as I’ve gone and committed that great sin, and consider myself really... adult. Nowadays, the word usually brings up the notions of pornography, or of those types of “situations” or language; shame that had to happen. It’s pretty good being an adult, I must say, not quite as hard as all that, really, if you don’t mind all the “have to’s”. You know, the responsibilities of being a functioning member of society, love your neighbor, all that kind of stuff. But I don’t remember when it was, exactly, that I crossed over. Now that I’m here, I can scarcely recall what it was like back when, when I thought it was noble to stay wild and unkempt, and not make my bed in the morning — the kid stuff. And I guess I miss that time, a little bit, sometimes, but life on this side of the backyard is pretty froody.
For my part, I had quite a long enough childhood; or maybe it was the adolescence, really, that I had more than my fair share of. It’s like the last time I checked, I was still sixteen years old, still a virgin and obsessed with the thought of sex, thinking I knew everything while telling myself I didn’t think like that at all. Very confused, but not really caring that I was. I turned around, and twenty years passed like no one’s business. And I guess I really don’t know what growing up is, just that I know it only because I’m here; you can’t imagine something like this until the experience of it just makes this sudden, weird sense. It might be something like, going from wanting to be great (or “cool”), and to wanting to be good. As that saying doesn’t go, I’d rather be good than lucky. Yes, you do run the risk of being incredibly mundane and boring, but you don’t really mind that people think that of you.
And yes, I do mind getting old, don’t get me wrong, but you know, I think life has things in store for me I couldn’t even dream about back when; I didn’t have the capacity for such things with that kind of attitude. Next time you see me, I’ll have broken down and bought a minivan, married with three kids. Or maybe not. But the thought brings not such dread in me as it once did. Strange, how normal.
kevin W.
6:57pm monday, 21st august
Heya h13,
I just turned 39 today and happened to click into your last entry and it felt pretty timely. I share some of the same feelings you talk about so i thought I'd write for once and say a quick hello. I've been checking your postings on and off for a few years, ever since I last went crazy and came across your site in a schizophrenia google. I'm still on a few medications from that particular episode, but it's low levels now and I expect to be off them entirely soon--and looking forward to that.
I too used to be obsessed with being cool. What teenage boy isn't? But I kept it up through university years (UC Berk. too, doncha know) and well beyond. In fact I lived the act for so many years, refined it oh so well, added so much shiny chrome and metallic extras, that the sheer weight of the nonstop artifice (you can never really let up), and the loneliness that comes from being hidden inside so many layers like that, simply exhausted me. In a weird way, breaking free of that stuff led me to my recent psychosis. But it's all good now, I've come out the other end a pretty changed person. I do some meditating, read a bit of buddhism here and there, and one way or the other I feel like a reasonably genuine person now. I wish I could teach my little nephews stuff like that and same them so much grief--that feeling good about yourself beats being cool by a million, but I guess everyone has to go their own path in their own time. In any case my path has got me feeling that the world is a more amazing place every day. It has me paradoxically more vulnerable and tougher at the same time--vulnerable because I can be touched by things at a deeper level, tougher because little if anything can hurt once you've realized you're good at heart. And finally there's this huge fringe benefit: if you know you're alright, you also know that EVERYONE is alright too, since we're all made from the same cloth. Everyone is good at heart, even if we tend to get badly confused and hung up on crazy ideas like coolness or a zillion other defensive things we do to cover our fears. And living in a world with 5 billion good people is the best thing going. So it's a crazy universe, but some of it is starting to make some sense to me now...
Hey, thanks for all the postings.
Reflection
8:05pm monday, 21st august
Gods are as grains of sand on the beach.Choose wisely.
kevin W.