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| august 2012 |
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| Quotes | 12:14am tuesday, 28th august |
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
– Oscar Wilde
Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
– Marcus Brigstocke
When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.
– Avatar Aang
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
– Jane Wagner
To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
– Franklin P. Adams
There is no greater importance in all the world like knowing you are right and that the wave of the world is wrong, yet the wave crashes upon you.
– Norman Mailer
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
– Albert Einstein
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| Myths | 12:53am friday, 24th august |
I hear tell of a flower
that blooms in total darkness:
if light is ever shown on it,
it immediately turns to dust.
Though how it may be I have
heard but rumors, I am told of
some rare few who say they
have seen what that flower
may be. Palest white petals
that seem to be suspended
in air, so gossamer is its stalk.
These folk who claim to view
the invisible, this unique
flower: people whisper they
were born and lived in blackness
deeper than night: better to
view the mysteries of life, of
flowers only darkness may see.
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| Contend | 12:07am monday, 20th august |
It came to a head on Wednesday night, into early Thursday morning. So what basically happened was as if I performed an exorcism on myself. I mean, I had to struggle, I had to strain, not once, not twice, but again and again, to expel the demon Roksaza from me. But once again, Lord be praised, I prevailed. Though apparently, not all contact with the demon had yet been achieved. That, however, seems to be happening. He seems slowly to be draining out of all interactive space from me, as these days now progress. After that very late night, I went back up to 5mg of Zyprexa. I was, that event notwithstanding, feeling a bit tweaked from the decrease of meds, after about the first week. I think I achieved what I was meant to from that decrease — to confront the demon, and win against him. I’ll keep you all updated as more events unfold.
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| Ongoing | 2:48am thursday, 16th august |
It’s still happening, what might be called the healing of my madness. I still contend against the demon, but I scored another major victory in that apparently, we were intricately connected in some very fundamental way, and I broke that connection. Not quite sure how I did it, but it definitely is a new day. What is left for me to do is to completely cast him out of my mind. Not sure if that will mean that I am completely healed or if it just means that the real healing can begin at that point, but I am working on it. A vision of St. Anthony, who famously contended with demons and Satan, is helping me out at points. It is definitely like fumbling in the dark for the right controls to jettison the malignancy, but it is not completely dark; I know that God is with me. I am not letting any real-world responsibility lapse, either — I think I am at a very good place. Like a crossroads, perhaps, but really, with only one path before me. Cheers.
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| Less | 12:18am sunday, 12th august |
A shout out to Strawberry and Reflection, who apparently are not speaking to one another. The latter has stopped his medication, the former is reducing hers, step by step. I do this because I’m joining them in this endeavor. I have reduced my Zyprexa intake from 5mg a day to 2.5mg a day. The reason why I’m doing this is a little crazy. It’s because I had a decisive victory against my demon (whose name is Roksaza — yes, if you didn’t know by now, it’s that kind of demon). And this victory inspired me to think that the healing that I wrote about previously is happening in more than theory. So how it’s going so far is that I’m not sleeping as well as when I was with previous meds (with the exception of last night, when the previous days’ sleep troubles caught up, apparently, and I was very unconscious). Also there is a pressure in my head, which lets up some, sometimes. But the crucial thing: I don’t feel more crazy, or less in control. This might be it. Wish me luck.
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| Non-Apocalypse | 12:13am wednesday, 8th august |
So, let’s get this straight: in the country (USA), there is a crisis with obesity and with violence, too many guns and not enough brains. In the world, we either are approaching or have gone past the tipping point in the climate change issue, also known as global warming. And yet, in my mind there needs to be situations so much worse for one to think that the Apocalypse approaches. I see it happen: there are signs of hope that spring up, here and there, sometimes to stem the tide of stupidity. Enough so that I can only think that the time is not now, Jesus Christ, his second coming, is not immanent. No, let me not think as the servant does who thinks his master tarries, and mistreats the rest because of it. Let me instead do right, even believing that the master is not near, not like that. Who is stupid enough to think that disaster is a thing to be desired?
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| Look | 12:01am saturday, 4th august |
I found the perfect purple flower. Here it is, after having been pressed in my notebook: 
I plucked it in New Zealand, on one of my excursions to try and search for another of my supposed true loves, again to crash and burn. Only took me 11 years to find it.
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