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| january 2014 |
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| Beginnings | 10:12pm tuesday, 28th january |
Last night I threw two books away. It is my way to offer burnt offerings to The Lord in this day and age. For the most part, it was the conclusion of business regarding the Event, the War in Heaven, etc. It means that the visions should be receding now, and I actually get the sensation that this is happening. It will be a strange thing, to have a “normal” mind again, but like any reversion to a regular situation, I supposed I will get used to it in a hurry. I have prayed not to forget all the lessons I have learned, nor the miracles I have seen. Yea, verily. A new chapter is about to begin. The beginning is near.
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| Urgency | 5:54pm wednesday, 22nd january |
I have lost the sense of urgency. I used to have it in spades, both spiritually and in following my technofuture dreams. It seems no great thing, nowadays, to skip a day’s prayer; I have not read much of the Bible in the last year as well. And the artificial intelligence? I seem to have no incentive to dive back into that to any depth, surely not deeply enough to be able to do something real in it. I suppose I should pray, for the purpose I once took for granted. Is this how everyone else is, the normal person? Shivering in a Brownian daydream, mostly lost? I spend my nights relaxing, for the most part. Here and there, a line of poetry comes, or an idea related to the old work (that actually doesn’t seem ever to be completely over, but for the most part, it is finished). And I feel like I should be doing something, but nothing presses me to do it.
Last night I talked with a neighbor, who is a pastor, and who has read my book. I don’t think he made sense of it all like maybe I’d like anyone who does read it to get. I explained my big point of it to him, about the War in Heaven, and why things are like they are. But we got divergent on a single point: could Judas be innocent? It’s pretty clear in the Bible that he’s not — the furthest the neighbor got was that he could be as innocent as Pharaoh in Exodus, whose heart the LORD made hard so that His purpose might be fulfilled. Yeah, he could not think that the scriptures could be wrong in such a way. Whatever, my thought right now. I had plans to make another version of the book, with a lot more material that explains the compact text as it is now. But I feel no fire at my heels. Yeah, whatever. I have the feeling something else will come, just for the time being to be normal in this way. Non-obsessed. Getting by.
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| strands | 4:56am saturday, 18th january |
how delicate the strands of fate
break one and would the web cascade in reconfiguration
and such existence as to breathe a word of wonder
will not be lost to the scurrying wind
a shard of a broken window into spring
now i’m in jerusalem in my mind
life is sweet when the hope bubbles
built with the words cathedrals are built from
much to be done, just so much one can do
but wars end, even in eternity
the current carried to its terminal activity
now let me stand, here, against the wind
while a storm of wildflowers explode in my eye
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| Stratospherics | 5:06am tuesday, 14th january |
Time to move on, eh? The Event was world changing, but I think I may have tasted the last vapors of it. Do we go back to an ordinary life? Yet that is never what it was; I lived extraordinarily, though you might not have known that by the look of me. Once there was an author who wrote a book on blogs taken by a post where I said I routinely talked to angels. I wonder what happened to him; I think he would have been intrigued by the Event. This is a life less ordinary, this is a life sublime, a messy life that touches things, touches things that they would have you leave pristine and unchallenged. Not today, world, not today. We will brave the sensory experience.
There are a couple options available to me, none seeming that exciting to me. Perhaps The Lord will provide an e) none of the above that I may fill in the oval with? I await the end of my visionary mindset, perhaps to find an earthly love that I can introduce to heaven? For I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race. I am right with my God, I am a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ. And a friend, maybe even a brother, and a son. Perhaps I have been living in the stratospherics too long, perhaps it is time to land. Earthly delights that call. To live like you mean it. Yes is the answer.
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| Anniversaire | 6:08am thursday, 9th january |
So it’s been a year since I experienced what I call the Event (as opposed to Incident, which other breaks in my line of life might be tagged). I find I have a similar faith that I had before the Event started: that these visions will fade, and my mind will be whole again, and not scattered all throughout the astral plane. I think that was it, why I was not allowed to marry before, why while on the brink of success, my AI was not allowed to be completed. The Event was the culmination of 25 years. Of visions, madness, dreams. The buildup of which brought this site here into being, half that time ago. I can make sense of it all, a grand theoretics, not the saccharine crystallization of a psychotic breakdown. Life, not death.
Everything has changed. Food tastes differently, and I find myself sort of clumsy at times, both physically and mentally. This is what a true religious experience does: turn your life topsy-turvy. You cannot be the same. And I ended up writing a book about the whole thing. You know how people were like, “It’s December already? What did I do this year?” I had an answer to that. Something physical, something real, something I could hold in my hands. And what have I learned? Things can make sense, all of it. And that there is no such thing as “have to be”. May I never be ashamed to love. May I love beyond my means.
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| interim | 7:21pm monday, 6th january |
play, violin, play your notes inside my soul
my ears have grown weary
and glad were the things in my memory
they gave me pleasure and pain, lifted and dropped
they proved to me i was alive
you who are lost must learn to climb
for in the effort is a freedom to desire
a charge that builds from unmet potentials
to fall from the sheer face of the world
into the depths where meaning broods
as time unfolds like roses
fire to be known as kith and kin
the miracle waits patiently for one quiet moment
where the tumblers of fate engage
to awaken from an infinite sleep
breathe: there is no now but now
what have you sown?
what shall you reap?
the violin forgets the tune
and for once listens for where it must fit
as time unfolds like roses
and the meaning is in the silence
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